Whip Smart
by weezerz2490
Summary: Postwar rapid population growth and evil spirits turned vicious have placed the afterlife in unprecedented turmoil. Just as it is in this life and the afterlife, every government needs a calm troubleshooter. However, shadow heroes of this caliber are far more rare than mere charismatic figures, and sometimes even they may need a little help. Meet Naomi Harper secretary/dominatrix.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: As a heads up, some of the content in this chapter might be considered more mature than 'T', but I think it's still about the same level as what's in the original series, so if you're okay with that, you should be fine with this. I plan to mostly follow the manga. Please let me know what you think!  
I own nothing but my OC.

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**Chapter 1: Welcome to Hell**

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Naomi Harper, a recently deceased former secretary-turned-dominatrix, was currently experiencing her afterlife at a rate of several WTFs per minute. After being made to endure several gruesome trials that were nothing short of traumatic, she now found herself waiting to be judged by King Enma… who was currently on his lunch break.

'Seriously… the fuck is going on here_!_?' Naomi thought, sweating nervously while she waited at the front of the line in seiza, guarded by two armed and fierce-looking oni.

First, three oni had just randomly showed up out of nowhere and dragged her off on a seven day journey wrought with darkness, hurricane force winds, and flying swords. A few days into the journey she was assaulted by horrible birds that tore at her skin and tried to pluck out her eyes, while taunting and screaming at her to hurry up. Next, she and the other souls came to an enormous mountain that was covered in sharp thorns and scraped the clouds. The path up the mountain was steep and impossibly long, and anyone who lagged behind got hit by the oni's spiked iron club.

Finally, after seven days, she arrived at this really creepy looking river, where she faced the first trial put forth by the first judge, a guy calling himself 'King Shinkou'. Shinkou then judged her and the other souls by how much killing they had committed, down to every bug that was squashed and every fish that was caught. Quite a few of the others were sent straight to Jigoku, while she and the remaining souls were told to cross the river. Where they were allowed to cross over depended entirely on the results of their trial. The souls with the most good deeds were allowed to cross the bridge. Those with a mixture of both good and evil were allowed to ford the river in the shallow part. The worst of the souls could only cross by swimming through snake-filled rapids. Naomi loved animals and wasn't even bothered by most insects, but because she had grown up fishing and all of the cockroaches that she had exterminated over the years, she had to wade through the shallow part. After crossing the river, she and the other souls encountered a scantily clad, saggy-breasted old woman called the Stripping Hag and a guy named Ken-e-ou. True to her name, the old hag forcefully stripped them of their clothes and hung them on the tree she was sitting under. The amount the branch bended under the weight of the clothes served as a measure of the weight of the sin on each soul, to be used as evidence in the trials to come. Despite her work as a dominatrix, Naomi was actually rather shy about this sort of thing and found the experience very embarrassing; but she was still better off than the souls who arrived with no clothes (some had discarded or lost them while swimming in the river), because the Stripping Hag would then flay his or her skin and hang it from the tree instead.

The second trial took place fourteen days after death, and was overseen by King Shokou. Shokou judged the souls on how much they had stolen. As with the previous trial, he sent the most grievous offenders straight to Hell, and allowed the good to pass on to the next trial. The fourteenth day after death is an important day for family members to perform ceremonies in honor of the deceased, in order to help him or her pass this trial. Since no one in her family was Buddhist, it was very fortunate for Naomi that she had never stolen anything before.

Before the third trial, each soul had to pass through a fortified gate that was guarded by a fierce oni. The oni wielded large blades, which he used to haphazardly chop off the arms and legs of the souls, saying stuff like, "That hand helped you to sin. I'll cut if off for you!" Unfortunately for Naomi he got one of her legs, and she had to crawl along the ground until it regenerated. She and the other souls then had to cross an enormous bay, wider than the river they had previously crossed, and filled with boiling liquid. The river gave off foul smelling fumes in all directions for many miles. The third trial took place 21 days after death, and was overseen by King Soutei. Soutei judges the souls on their sins of lust and sexuality, using a cat and a snake. The cat is used to judge the souls of men, and the snake is used to judge the souls of women; but since this story is rated 'T', the rest of the process has been deemed too graphic to be described. The mere memory of the traumatic event made Naomi shudder. She felt so violated… As before, some went on to Hell, while others—with the aid of funerary services from their surviving family members—passed on to the next trial. Despite how harrowing she found the experience, Naomi somehow managed to pass this one as well, and proceeded on to the next trial.

The fourth trial, 28 days after death, was overseen by King Gokan. Gokan judged the dead on the number of lies they told in life. He weighed each soul against a large, heavy stone. The number of stones it takes the balance the scale determines the weight of one's sins. Excessive liars are damned, and those who are not may continue on to be judged again. Once again, the family is supposed to hold a funerary service to aid their beloved departed in this trial, hoping to sway the mercy of the judge. Fortunately for Naomi, the lies she had told (while more numerous than she had realized) were very small, and once again she somehow managed to pass.

Next, she and the other souls had to cross a vast blasted, desolate landscape of unfathomable length. Balls of red-hot iron fell constantly like rain from the sky, burning the skin of the souls and causing their feet to blister as they walked the path to the next trial. Which finally brings us up to the present: the fifth trial, which takes place 35 days after death, and is overseen by the Great King Enma, who is the ruler of the underworld… and apparently a big fan of long lunches. Just how much longer was he going to make them wait? Her legs were going numb kneeling there.

–∞–

"Ha-ah." King Enma sighed tiredly as he sat in the cafeteria, picking at his food. Lately they had been so swamped with work due to a sudden spike in suicides during this latest ongoing economic slump that even Hōzuki was beginning to feel the stress, and when Hōzuki was stressed, everyone suffered, especially Enma who was the most frequent target of his venting violence. 'There must be something I can do to improve the situation…' He thought with another heavy sigh, just when a commercial on the TV suddenly grabbed his attention.

_[Are you being swamped with too much work to organize and to sort out yourself? Tired of being bombarded with calls you don't have time to take? Having trouble keeping track of all your appointments? Sick of doing all your own filing and paperwork? Looking to reduce the stress in your life?]_ Enma immediately perked up and whipped his head around to watch the ad for an agency promoting skilled secretaries.

"That's it! I should get Hōzuki-kun a secretary!" He cried excitedly. "Ah, but that's for the mortal world…" He realized, visibly wilting as he remembered how understaffed they already were. None of the existing minions could be spared for something like this, and a lot of them would probably need training. If only he could find someone down here who was free and already skilled in both administrative work and torture…

–∞–

Back in the hall of Enma's court, Naomi's sneeze echoed through the halls.

"Achoo!" It was so loud and unexpected that the two oni guarding her actually flinched.

"Hey, cut that out!" the one with the afro scolded her sternly. "You trying to give us a heart attack or something?"

"Uh, my bad…?" Naomi said, sweat-dropping, as she wiped her nose, bemused by their reaction. How could creatures capable of mercilessly inflicting so much pain and trauma on others be scared of something like a sneeze? Weren't they supposed to be demons?

"Tch. I see Enma-sama has yet to return. He'd better not be late for the judging." She heard a familiar voice remark moodily, causing her head to snap back up as her eyes widened in surprise and recognition.

"Ah!" She shouted, pointing at the handsome man/oni with only one horn who had just entered the hall, getting his attention. "It's you!" She said, causing her guards to flinch again as they stared at her in shock.

_'You?'_ Did this girl have any idea who she was talking to_!_? What was she thinking_!_? That was Hōzuki-sama_!_! Daring to address him so familiarly… They shuddered to think what he might—

"Oh, it's the girl from the zoo." Hōzuki said calmly, recognizing her almost immediately. She was the one who had put him onto the Ueno Zoo. "I didn't expect to see you so soon." Especially not down there. When she had given him, a stranger she hadn't spoken more than two words to, the second half of a pair of special backstage passes for a behind the scenes look at some of the animal feedings without any obligations or strings attached and had walked away without bothering him any further or asking for anything in return simply because the friend she was supposed to go with had canceled, he had thought she must be some kind of saint. But obviously not, seeing as she was now in Hell.

"Same here." Naomi replied with a wry smile, looking strangely relieved. "But since you are here, it explains a lot. Everything was so horribly vivid that I had started to panic, but now I finally get what's going on here. I'm just having a really disturbing nightmare!" She exclaimed brightly, wiping the sweat from her brow as she exhaled a sweet sigh of relief.

"… Whatever gave you that idea?" Hōzuki asked with a brief glance at the clock, taking note that Enma now only had two minutes left.

"Well, I've heard the faces of people you see in your dreams are often borrowed from those of people you've met or seen before in real life. That's what this is, right?" She said explained nonchalantly with a shrug. "I mean, why else would you suddenly be an oni?"

"It's not sudden. I've always been one." Hōzuki replied matter-of-factly.

"… Are you trying to tell me that hat was just there to cover your horn and ears?" Naomi asked dubiously, raising an eyebrow. "Isn't that kind of disguise a bit too half-assed? You might as well have just walked around without it and pretended to be a cosplayer."

"Ah." Hōzuki said, hitting one of his hands against the open palm of the other in a sort of 'ah-ha!' gesture. "I see, so there was that option, too…" He said thoughtfully, as though he were beginning to seriously consider trying it, although he doubted it would work outside of Japan. "However, escaping into denial won't save you now." He stated more seriously, looking straight at her. "Haven't you already experienced a number of trials before reaching this point? You should already know by now how real everything you're experiencing is based on pain alone." His withering stare was completely wasted on her.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, fellow animal-lover. It's true that I've been through some excruciating stuff that would probably curl my shrink's hair, but on the other hand, dreams always seem to make sense and feel real while you're having them. It's typically only after you wake up when you realize how weird and unrealistic most of it was." Naomi said carelessly with a wave of her hand, determined not to let anything else upset her.

"Well, that may be true…" Hōzuki conceded coolly. "But this isn't some dream. This is reality, so wake up and smell the brimstone already."

'This new soul has a lot of guts_!_!' The other oni minions thought, gulping nervously as they watched the exchange. Whether it was due to bravery or just an overly abundant dose of stupidity, the fact that she could talk back to one of the most fearsome beings in Hell so easily and so fearlessly was impressive!

"Ah~ That was a good lunch!" Enma said as he entered the hall at that moment, finally deigning to join them.

"You're half a minute late." Hōzuki said strictly as the big boss took a seat behind his skull-lined desk to begin the judging.

"Geez, you're always so strict and nagging, Hōzuki-kun…" Enma mumbled with a frown as his able assistant handed him the scrolls for this next batch of souls. "Hmm? 'Naomi Harper'?" He asked aloud as he read, looking up as she was grabbed by the guards and dragged to stand before him. He was surprised by the data listed below her name. Even though Japan was slightly less homogenous than it used to be in the past, it was still unusual to see a foreign name on their list. And there was also the matter of her chosen occupations… It was an odd leap to go from respectable secretary to dominatrix, wasn't it? From the looks of things, this girl had lived a pretty eventful life.

"Uh, thanks, guys, but you know I can walk on my own, right?" Naomi told the two oni gripping her arms, sweat-dropping.

"It's to make sure you won't run away when you hear your sentence." Hōzuki deadpanned.

"Which is?" Naomi prompted, gesturing for them to get on with it.

"Uh, hey, Hōzuki-kun… is it just me, or does this one seem a little strange?" Enma asked, sweat-dropping at her blasé attitude. Most souls were usually petrified with fear and/or begging for their lives by this point. And why was she acting so familiar? It almost sounded like they knew each other.

"Oh, that may be my fault." Hōzuki said, surprising him. "I happened to encounter her once before during a business trip to the living world. After seeing me she suddenly relaxed and lost all fear. Humans these days…" He muttered darkly, furrowing his brow slightly.

"Well, no offense to the others, but after looking at their ugly mugs, it's super refreshing to see a bishi again." Naomi said with a careless shrug and a wry smile. Besides, she already knew he was an animal lover. Oni or not, he couldn't be all bad.

"Eh?" Enma said, glancing between Hōzuki and Naomi in shock as they continued to banter with each other in an almost friendly manner, stunned. To think that someone would have the guts to talk back to _Hōzuki_… and was it just his imagination, or did they seem to be getting along? He had never seen Hōzuki bother to directly acknowledge a soul of the deceased to this extent before.

"Hmph. You won't be smiling once your punishment begins." Hōzuki told her. "Killing, lying, perverse debauchery, and having held thoughts or beliefs contrary to Buddhist teachings—At a glance it's quite obvious that you're destined for the Burning Hell."

"What's that?" Naomi asked, furrowing her brow slightly in confusion. "Like you said, I'm not Buddhist, so I have no clue what that means."

"In that particular part of Hell, the tortured souls are typically beaten with red-hot iron clubs. They also have hot skewers thrust through their mouths and out their anuses, and are broiled over a great sea of fire. A lifespan in this hell lasts 16,000 years, one day of which equals 16,000 years in Takejizai-ten, where one day is equivalent to 1,600 years on Earth. A soul damned there usually spends the equivalent of 54.5 quadrillion Earth-years being punished in this way."

"Oh… _Ew._" Naomi said, wrinkling her nose slightly, as she grimaced and winced in disgust, taking a moment to imagine all the horror and pain. "So glad this is a dream!"

"Huh?" Enma said, blinking in confusion.

"You're still saying that?" Hōzuki asked sternly with a frown. What was he going to have to do in order to make her understand the reality of the current situation, beat it into her?

"Well, no matter how much you insist this is all really happening, I find it hard to believe I could go to Hell without dying. I mean, I think I'm still too young to have died of natural causes, so it's not like I could have died in my sleep or anything." Naomi pointed out rather reasonably. "And if I really _did_ die, then it would probably have been caused by some sort of violence or trauma, because there aren't that many illnesses that can kill you that quickly nowadays, and I'm pretty sure I'd remember being beaten to death, or something like that…"

"Oh, I see. You're one of _those_." Hōzuki said with an annoyed sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose as he felt a headache coming on.

"Ah, that's right. We do get cases like this from time to time: people who for some reason or another can't remember their death." Enma said, nodding his head in understanding, while Hōzuki picked up the remote for the Mirror and began searching for the marked time in his notes, fast-forwarding through her childhood and other significant human milestones.

"There." Hōzuki said, stopping a minute or two before the moment of her death. "Now watch and pay attention. I'm only going to do this once." He told her strictly. It was a pain to have to rewind. He pressed 'play', and they all watched as a very drunk and dazed-looking Naomi was dragged out of a bar, supported by two other very attractive women.

"Oh!" Naomi gasped in realization as she watched. That's right, the last thing she remembered was that she had been at a bar with her boss and a couple sempais from the club just before all this craziness started…

_[Geez! I told you not to make her drink so much, Mi-chan!]_ Asuka-sempai, their S&amp;M club's best masochist, chided their boss, Asami with a frown.

_[What are you talking about? When trying to get over a broken heart, isn't it best to drink until you forget?]_ Asami retorted haughtily with a frown.

At this, Hōzuki and the others in the room all glanced at poor Naomi, who shifted uncomfortably under their scrutiny.

"Yeah, that's right—my boyfriend dumped me, right after I found out he was cheating on me and confronted him about it—I was having a rough week! Got a problem with that?" She snapped defiantly, blushing a little out of embarrassment as the airing of her dirty laundry continued.

_[I still can't believe that bastard! I won't forgive him for making our cute little Nao-chan cry like that… I say we abduct his ass and teach him a lesson.]_ Asami stated darkly, emitting a murderous aura.

_[No, that would be a _crime._]_ Asuka retorted hastily as she hailed a cab.

_[Tch!]_ Asami clicked her tongue in disappointment as it pulled up to the curb. _[It'd be better if she could just give up on men all together. They're all a bunch of useless and boring losers to begin with, and in this line of business it's really hard to meet someone who isn't a complete nutcase, because all of the supposedly 'good guys' are either taken or too chicken-shit to keep dating her once they find out she works for us as an 'S'… We all know it's just an act. It's not like she's actually into it.]_ She grumbled while they maneuvered the unconscious Naomi into the back seat. _[On the contrary, she's even though she's really pure for someone in the sex trade! I was kind of worried about how things would work out in the beginning because of that, but now I wish I had ten more like her! She never sleeps with the clients, and she's really popular, and the fact that she can deliver such hardcore punishment while staying completely professional is what's so great about her!_!_]_ She gushed enthusiastically, clenching her fist. _[If it were me, I'd…]_ Asami suddenly paused in the middle of closing the door while Asuka was giving the driver Naomi's address. [_I'd better go with her, just to make sure she makes it home safely, in case someone dangerous tries to take advantage of her in her weakened state.]_ She said determinedly with a lecherous grin, practically drooling as she imagined finally having Naomi all to herself.

_[_You're_ the dangerous one!_!_] _Asuka snapped at their boss, stopping her as she tried to slip into the cab, quickly slamming the door shut so the cabbie could leave.

Naomi sweat-dropped, eternally grateful to her sempai for the intervention. Putting aside the fact that she just wasn't interested in other girls that way, it would've been extremely awkward to wake up naked next to the boss, who unlike Naomi, who only acted out the part of an 'S' for work, was a _real_ sadist and known for being extremely fond of the kind of play that was too graphic and disturbing to be considered legal in most parts of the world. Naomi had really dodged a bullet there.

_SCREEEEECH!_

"_!_?" Naomi gasped when the cab suddenly crashed into the truck that had suddenly slammed its brakes on right in front of it. Her eyes widened, watching in slow motion as the cabbie's head slammed into the steering wheel, and a long metal pole came shooting off the back of the truck through the windshield, passing over the cabbie's head, through the gap between his seat and its headrest, straight into Naomi's head, piercing through her left eye and brain all the way to the back of her skull. Death had been instantaneous.

"And there you have it, the exact moment of your death." Hōzuki said, stopping the playback so that it was paused on the image of her sitting there lifelessly with the pole stabbed through her head. "It's no wonder you can't remember it, since you somehow managed to sleep through the whole thing."

"…" Naomi stared at the screen in shock. She couldn't believe it. She didn't _want_ to believe it! **"Fuck…****_!_****!"** She shouted, shaking as she crumbled to the floor, slamming her fists on the ground.** "The hell's up with this ****_Final Destination_**** shit****_!_****?"**

'Ah, she's so shaken that she's reverted to her native language…' Enma and Hōzuki thought as they watched her explode. It would seem she was finally moving on from the first stage of dying, 'denial', to 'anger'.

"Now, now, Naomi-san…" Enma said with a nervous smile, trying to calm her down. "Girls shouldn't talk like that…"

"That's right. This is Jigoku, the Japanese Hell, so speak Japanese." Hōzuki stated coolly.

"No, that's not what I—" Enma started to say, when Naomi's head abruptly snapped up, glaring at them with an intense flame of defiance burning in her eyes.

"Speaking of which, why am I even here to begin with_!_?" She demanded hotly. "This is clearly a hell for Buddhists, so aren't I in the wrong place? You should've at least put me in the Catholic/Christian Hell_!_! At least I might actually stand a chance there!"

"Ah, that's true… It says here she went to confession just a couple of days ago. By their standards, she'd probably get off almost scott-free." Enma commented after a quick glance back at her scroll, where someone had made a special note. He was kind of starting to feel sorry for her after finding out she'd been dumped so harshly just before getting shipped off to Hell. This poor girl's luck was the worst. It would seem she really hadn't slept with any of her customers. The only thing she was guilty of in relation to her work as a dominatrix was abusing and humiliating people who wanted it… And she only turned to that out of desperation after the company she used to work at as a secretary went bankrupt because the CEO was caught up in a huge embezzling scandal, and no one else would hire her because they felt she was tainted by association, even though she was completely innocent.

"They have their rules, and we have ours!" Hōzuki reminded him strictly, cracking the floor as he slammed the end of his iron club into it for emphasis. Confession was such a cop-out. If an apology could solve everything, then there wouldn't be a need for the police. "As for why you're here," he said, addressing Naomi, "you appear to be under the impression that all souls are sorted out and sent to whatever afterlife corresponds with their chosen faith in life, but that isn't the case. Doing that would be far too troublesome and time consuming, so it was decided the afterlife would be divided up and sorted out by country and region. It's not a matter of religion but geography!" he declared boldly.

"_!_!" Naomi gasped in shock, so appalled that she looked like a tragic heroine straight out of a vintage shoujo manga as lightning flashed in the background behind her. "No way! But I was born in America! I know I applied for Japanese citizenship, but it's not like it was official or—"

"Actually it was." Hōzuki said, interrupting her to switch the view of the Mirror to show the arrival of her official certificate of citizenship in the mail while she was out. "Congratulations, you were approved and made an official citizen of Japan just in time to qualify for Japanese Hell."

_"ASASDFGHJ #$%^&amp;!_!_!" _Naomi cursed, nearly ripping her hair out in frustration. They couldn't have held off on that for just a little longer_!_?

"And even if you didn't engage in sexual intercourse with your 'clients', you're still guilty of seducing and leading others down a path of perversion." Hōzuki continued while he had her on the ropes. "You need to be properly disciplined for your actions."

"O… _Objection!_!" She shouted desperately, raising her hand to point a finger at him.

"Overruled_!_!" He retorted without hesitation. "Who do you think you are, Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright_!_?"

"B-But I never actively recruited or enticed _anyone_ into entering the club_!_!" Naomi protested, entering the bargaining stage. "They came in on their own! They would've been running full-speed down that path sooner or later whether I did anything to them or not!"

"Even so, you enjoyed it, didn't you?" Hōzuki pressed as he loomed over her ominously.

"N-No! I mean… I admit that occasionally it felt kind of good as an outlet to relieve all the pent up stress in my life… B-But it's not like I got off on it_!_!" Naomi stammered defensively, starting to panic as he leaned in closer and began needling her in the cheek with the tip of his club. Her face flushed uncomfortably as she tried to scoot back to put some distance between them. "Anyway, you're too close! _Way_ too close!" His good looks were even more lethal than his weapon at this range!

"Hoh…?" Hōzuki hummed, watching her like a hawk through slanted eyes, as he placed a hand on top of her head in a vice-like grip to keep her from squirming away. "You have a lot of guts to still be talking back in this situation." That panicked expression wasn't bad.

"Well, I'm already going to Hell…" She pointed out glumly, sweating nervously under his intense scrutiny. "At this point, I think it's pretty much either go big or go home…"

"No, you can't go home because you're dead." He reminded her bluntly.

'Hōzuki-kun… It almost looks like he's having fun…' Enma thought, sweat-dropping. It was like watching a cat toy with its food. Enma glanced back down at Naomi's scroll. An ex secretary/dominatrix, huh? His eyes suddenly widened in realization. 'Hey, wait a minute… Isn't this kid exactly what we need_!_?' He thought excitedly as he was overcome with a stroke of genius, jumping up out of his chair so fast, everyone in the hall immediately stopped what they were doing, taken aback. "Naomi Harper!" His voice boomed, echoing through the hall as he whipped his fan out and pointed it at her.

"Y-Yes?" Naomi stammered, looking slightly startled by the sudden change in his demeanor. Now that he was serious, he finally looked the part as the Great King of Hell.

"For your sins, I hereby judge you to be sent to the Burning Hell, where you are to endure 8,000 years of torture with red-hot irons!" Enma announced, causing her jaw to drop as she paled and turned blue in the face, understandably horrified by the verdict. "Or so, I might normally say…" He said, stopping the guards when they moved to take her away. "But I have an even better idea. Instead, I'm going to have you pay off your sins… through _community service_!" He declared boldly. Now it was his minions' turns to be shocked.

"Community service…?" Hōzuki asked, furrowing his brow slightly.

"Yep! Since we're so short-handed, I was thinking she could be your secretary." Enma said brightly, looking rather proud of himself. "What do you say, Hōzuki-kun? Isn't it a great idea?" For a moment, the entire hall was so silent you could have heard a pin drop.

"E—_EEEEEEHHHHH!_?" Naomi and the others all shouted incredulously in disbelief, positively stunned by this unexpected turn of events.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Just Peachy**

* * *

"Hell is split into 'The Eight Great Hells' and 'The Eight Cold Hells', and these are further divided into 272 smaller duty stations… Are you listening?" Hōzuki asked pointedly, pausing his explanation for a moment when he noticed Naomi was busy writing something in a small notepad.

"Yes, sir. 'Eight Great Hells', 'Eight Cold Hells', and '272 smaller duty stations', right?" She recited, holding up the notepad to show that she was actually taking notes in shorthand. Naomi had decided to suck it up and do her best to prove her worth as a secretary so she could pass the trial period Hōzuki had eventually agreed to and hopefully attain a more permanent position, because she _really_ didn't want to be tortured for several thousand excruciatingly long Hell-years. With this being her first day on the job, her main task was to follow her new boss around so she could watch and learn from him while he worked. Since he was out conducting an inspection today, it was the perfect opportunity to show her the different parts of Hell without interfering with the rest of his schedule.

"Correct. Once you've finished memorizing the entire system, we can move on to testing your skills in torture." He stated coolly, causing her to flinch ever so slightly. "Problem?"

"No, it's just… I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of hurting people against their will…" Naomi admitted a bit hesitantly, feeling a little guilty. After all, if not for Enma's decision to spare her, she'd be right in there with the rest of the sinners.

"I see. In that case, if you'd prefer, perhaps I should just drop you off in the Burning Hell and leave you to rot there?" He suggested, staring down at her without a hint of mercy in his eyes. If she couldn't make herself useful, then there was no point in keeping her around. He was far too busy to babysit.

"No, given the choice between being hurt and the one doing the hurting... I'd definitely prefer to be the later!" She answered hastily, suddenly feeling as if her afterlife were in mortal peril again. "I mean, _please_ let me continue to work with you, Hōzuki-sama!" She said, determined not to become another victim.

"Hmph. Good answer. And anyway, torture in Jigoku isn't the same as in the Western Hell. Here it serves the purpose of teaching the deceased to repent for their sins. The harsher the punishment, the sooner and more sincere their repentance will be. And the sooner they repent, the sooner they can be forgiven and be released and reincarnated. So there's no need to hold back, since you'll be doing them a service. Well, at any rate, all appears to be in order at Needle Mountain." Hōzuki said calmly, apparently satisfied with her answer and ready to move on to next area on his list. At least she was listening. With her afterlife on the line, she was now acting a lot more docile and cooperative than she had been the other day during her trial, but she still had enough backbone left to make things interesting. "How are things in Fukisho?" He asked, turning to the minion accompanying them. "There's a shortage of employees, isn't there?"

"Fukisho?" Naomi asked curiously.

"Animal Torturer Hell." Hōzuki explained briefly.

"Ah." She said, nodding in understanding as she made another note. She knew several people who would be _very_ gratified to know that existed… though, based on what she had learned so far, a handful of them were probably headed for some of the other parts of Hell they had already covered, since they had little to no sympathy for their fellow human beings.

"Hōzuki-sama!" A smaller minion called out, getting their attention as he ran up to them, waving a blue folder. "Heaven's Shangri-La is requesting more manpower…"

"Hey, I'm in mid-consultation here!" The larger minion said, annoyed that someone was trying to butt in. The smaller oni laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

"We cannot be expected to look after Heaven's affairs." Hōzuki said with a frown as he looked over the file. "Let me guess, that moron decided it was too much hassle, so he decided to pass that particular burden on to me to deal with instead, didn't he?" He stated more than asked, clearly referring to King Enma. First he hires him an unwanted assistant from the pool of souls they were supposed to be punishing, and now this…

"Did you just casually call Enma-sama a moron?" The minion from Fukisho asked while Naomi sweat-dropped. No one was safe from this guy...

"Shangri-La, huh?" Hōzuki mused as if he hadn't heard. "They have a lot of nerve asking for their lack of sinners. Leisure. Enjoyment. Relaxation. It would be fun to get away… three days stay in a hotel… Mikazuki… Every little thing ends up on my desk."

'Sounds like he's desperate for a break…' Naomi thought sympathetically. It had been a while since she'd had a decent vacation, too… "Well, if it's any consolation… from what I've heard from Asuka-sempai, you aren't missing much." She ventured aloud. "She said that if you go for the hot spring and spa, you'll have a fantastic time. But the food is mediocre, and if you don't have dinner included in your room price, it costs ¥6,300 a head, which is absolutely ridiculous. Also, the rooms don't have an internet connection of any kind, and the check-out time is at 10:00 AM. You can only eat breakfast through 9:00 AM. It's a family hotel, and basically all the visitors are families with children."

"What's an S&amp;M club worker doing in a family hotel?" The short minion asked curiously, sweat-dropping.

"That's really rude, you know." Naomi told him, chagrined on her sempai's behalf. "S&amp;M fans are people too. Asuka-sempai happens to be a single mom. She took her son there for a family vacation. He had fun in the pool, but it wasn't as relaxing for her as an adult as she thought it would be between the cost and all the other noisy kids running around."

"I thought that woman was supposed to be a masochist." Hōzuki remarked.

"There's a fine line between pain and pleasure, Hōzuki-sama." Naomi replied wryly, sweat-dropping. If being harassed by a bunch of five-year-olds turned her on, then she'd have to be _really_ concerned about Asuka-sempai's mental health. "Anyway, if you're looking for people to send to Heaven, then I'd be more than happy to—"

"Request denied." Hōzuki cut her off bluntly, turning his attention back to the file in his hands. Nice try, but he wasn't about to let her escape that easily. "They want to borrow power for the peach farm?" He read aloud as he flipped through the pages. "They don't need any more peach trees. Furthermore, I am against Heaven's policy of mass-producing sentou (Chinese peaches of immortality) to secure wonder drugs. A surplus of cure-alls inevitably leads to corruption." He concluded calmly, giving the file a light slap with the back of his hand for emphasis.

"But Shangri-La is the biggest tourist trap in Heaven, so the scenery needs to be kept up." The short minion reminded him.

'Eh? Heaven has tourist traps_!_?' Naomi thought, surprised.

"Yes, that would require maintenance." Hōzuki mused.

"Even help gathering firewood would be appreciated."

"Hōzuki-samaaaa!" A voice cried anxiously as yet another minion came running up. This one was also on the short side, but he had three horns, curly white hair, and round eyebrows.

"You sure are popular…" Naomi remarked while the little oni paused for a moment to catch his breath.

"What is it?" Hōzuki asked the new arrival.

"I'm sorry! There's trouble…" The white-haired oni said nervously. "Someone called 'Peach Boy' has come…!"

"A boy is here with peaches?" Hōzuki said, furrowing his brow in annoyance. "Send him away."

"Um, no that's not… He isn't here with gifts for the Bon festival…" The white-haired oni said, sweat-dropping. "Just come with me, please!" He said urgently, grabbing Hōzuki's hand, who in turn grabbed Naomi by the back of her kimono's collar.

"!" She gasped, clawing at the collar when she found herself being choked by it as he dragged her along.

"Ah, hey! That's not fair, Nasubi!" The other short minion yelled.

"Oi! I was here first…!" The taller minion exclaimed.

"Momotaro, you mean _that_ Momotaro?" Hōzuki asked calmly once Nasubi had explained how a strange man had suddenly showed up with three animals in tow and started shouting about wanting to fight in a little more detail as they headed towards the scene of the disturbance.

"Yes, sir." Nasubi answered seriously as they passed a soul being ripped to shreds by a pack of dogs and came upon a randomly placed iron maiden that was echoing with moans of agony and oozing blood.

'Why is there a medieval European torture device in Japanese Hell…?' Naomi wondered as she rubbed her sore throat, sweat-dropping. Plus, wasn't Momotaro supposed to be a character in a fairytale? Well, technically oni and most of the other mysterious supernatural beings living here weren't supposed to exist in reality, and yet...

"When was the Iron Maiden installed?" Hōzuki asked as he stopped abruptly, apparently wondering the same thing about the expensive torture tool. "Where did you get the money for it?" That hadn't been in the budget he approved.

"What? But Enma-sama said it was okay…" Nasubi said, wondering what the problem was.

"Tch!" Hōzuki's eyes narrowed dangerously as his brow creased deeply, and his aura suddenly plummeted pitch-black, emanating extreme murderous intent.

'S-Scary…' Naomi thought with a shiver. Great King of Hell or not, Enma-sama better start running!

"Ah! Hōzuki-sama!" Nasubi's superior shouted as he ran over to greet them, giving his white-haired subordinate a quick smack on the head for saying something unnecessary. "I'm terribly sorry to disturb you while you're otherwise occupied…" He said respectfully to Hōzuki, bowing deeply.

"Oh! I see special treatment. I bet he's your superior!" They heard another voice say.

"Huh?" Hōzuki and the other oni said, furrowing their brows, as they and Naomi all looked over in its owner's direction.

"All right, let's do this fair and square! Fight me_!_!" A chubby-cheeked man dressed in fancy ancient clothing said boldly, striking a dramatic pose as he drew his sword, and his three faithful animal companions—a dog, a monkey, and a pheasant—gathered around him.

"…" Naomi said as she and Hōzuki stared at the walking anachronism blankly for a moment. "Hōzuki-sama… is that lipstick?" She asked, lowering her voice as she whispered behind her hand. His lips were unnaturally pink and shiny. She hadn't been expecting that. She thought men wearing makeup had been a much more recent development.

"It would appear so…" Hōzuki whispered back, also slightly surprised by the troublemaker's appearance, though you would never know it with his pokerface. "Um, where did this problem child come from?" He asked Nasubi's superior, keeping his voice low.

"He's that Momotaro fellow." The oni whispered.

"Eh? Isn't he kind of obnoxious for a hero?" Naomi whispered. "What's he even doing here in the first place?"

"D-Don't just whisper to each other!" Momotaro yelled as his face flushed slightly in embarrassment.

"He suddenly showed up out of nowhere and started going gangbusters on us." Nasubi's superior explained. "This is the first time I've ever seen someone try to fight his way to the boss…"

"Why don't you just beat him up, capture him, and return to sender?" Naomi asked curiously. They seemed to have no problem doing that to any other soul, so why were they hesitating now?

"We can't. He's a resident of Heaven, so…" The Oni replied glumly. That wasn't part of their jurisdiction. Laying a hand on a citizen of Heaven without proper authorization wasn't worth the mountain of paperwork that would be dropped on them later.

"This is odd…" Hōzuki said. "He looks much more… old-fashioned and refined than I expected…"

"Yeah, wasn't he supposed to be the son of a woodcutter?" Naomi agreed. Her knowledge of Japanese history and folktales might be a little dicey, but she was pretty sure normal peasants didn't dress like that.

"Wh-What are you trying to say_!_?" Momotaro demanded indignantly as his blush deepened and a vein throbbed on his forehead.

"Having rid your land of evil oni in your former life, I can appreciate the pride you must feel," Hōzuki told Momotaro, "but haven't you lost sight of your cause?"

"No, I am still working on my cause. I am who I am because I fight oni!" Momotaro responded confidently. "Right, partners?" He asked the animals.

"I'm in it for the millet dumplings." The cute and fluffy white dog answered honestly.

"But nowadays there are far more delicious things than millet dumplings." The monkey added.

"My employment status hasn't changed since the Muromachi era, so I'm seriously considering a change of profession." The pheasant stated frankly.

"Oh, you too?" The dog asked, lowering his voice as the animals began to whisper amongst each other.

"You'd think that mythical beasts with spiritual powers would be harder to come by." The monkey pointed out dubiously.

"He's always ridiculously fired-up whether we are or not." The pheasant muttered as they all glanced back at their boss.

"You're assistants to a hero! What else do you need_!_?" Momotaro huffed defensively.

"In this day and age? Proper health insurance, for one." Naomi quipped bluntly.

"In other words, you are that one guy in the company who burns with team spirit and gets strangely riled up, irritating everyone else. The annoying coworker." Hōzuki surmised succinctly.

"_Don't coldly analyze my current state of affairs, you oni!_!" Momotaro shouted, clearly intending it as an insult.

"I am an oni." Hōzuki reminded him calmly, completely unfazed.

"Hōzuki-sama, can't you do something about him?" Nasubi's superior asked, sweat-dropping. "He's delicately set in his ways. Delicately."

"Stop calling me delicate_!_!" Momotaro snapped, whipping his hand straight out in front of him to point at Hōzuki. "I want you to fight me. Or are you afraid?"

"You…! How rude!" Nasubi's superior exclaimed indignantly, insulted on his behalf.

"Hōzuki-sama is a very important person!" Nasubi added. Naomi noticed that they were both very protective of their boss, even though Hōzuki looked like he really couldn't care less about the hero's attempt to ruffle his feathers.

"Oh, yeah? How important?" Momotaro asked, doing his best to look and sound unimpressed with their assertion.

"He's the first advisor to Great King Enma. Even among the demons he's top dog!" Nasubi's superior said proudly.

'Wow… It sounds like he's even more important than I realized.' Naomi thought, somewhat impressed. Didn't that mean he was basically second only to Enma?

"I'm really no one." Hōzuki said humbly. "More like a Chief Cabinet Secretary. A plain nobody." He concluded dismissively with wave of his hand.

'No, that's not normally someone you would call a 'nobody'…' Naomi thought, sweat-dropping. He had to be doing that on purpose.

_"Aargh! You make me so angry!_!_!_" Momotaro fumed. How could he write off such a high position so carelessly_!_? This oni really knew how to piss him off!

"We're not like the riffraff on Onigashima. Unlike them, we work our fingers to the bone. There's no reason for you to try to attack us." Hōzuki stated coolly. "In contrast, you are currently unemployed and spend your days floating around as a drifter…"

"D-Damn it_!_! Who do you think you are, my mo—I mean—grandmother_!_?" Momotaro shouted incredulously, stomping his feet and shaking his fists exaggeratedly in a hissy fit. "Know my wrath at your peril_!_!"

'Somehow, the way he's moving reminds me of that time Bobby Seager accidently sat on an ant hill and literally got ants in his pants…' Naomi thought as she watched.

"No one gets angry like that anymore." The dog said, starting to feel embarrassed.

"Well, he is from the Muromachi era…" The Pheasant said, sweat-dropping.

"Want me to rain my fists down upon you_!_!_?_" Momotaro demanded hotly as he approached Hōzuki with multiple veins throbbing on his face, rolling up his sleeve as he made a fist.

_BAM._

Momotaro froze instantly when Hōzuki twirled around his huge iron club, catching it effortlessly as he slammed it into the palm of his hand with a frightening amount of force without even flinching.

"Oh, if a rain of fists will satisfy you, I'd be happy to get this over with." Hōzuki stated ominously with his face cast in shadow and a dark look in his eyes.

"Ah… no, wait… violence is never the answer…" Momotaro said timidly, shaking like a newborn lamb as he suddenly lost all will to fight.

_WHAAAM!_!

Naomi's eyes widened and Momotaro flinched in shock when Hōzuki suddenly swung his club out to the side, smashing the large rock next to him clean in half.

"This is Hell, we settle things with violence." The oni said, dead serious. Naomi felt her ribs crack, caught somewhere between a startled shriek and laugh. Momotaro paled as he immediately shot back to stand beside the animals, hastily retreating to a safe distance. This guy was seriously going to kill him!

"F-For starters, you guys go test him…" Momotaro whispered nervously to his animal friends.

"What_!_? No way." The dog said, disappointed.

"Why not?" Momotaro asked.

"_You_ go first." The Pheasant told him. He's the one who picked this fight in the first place.

"No fair." The monkey said.

"They seem to be arguing about something." Hōzuki observed. They couldn't hear exactly what was being said from where they were standing, but it appeared to be a very heated discussion.

"Oh, the dog's coming over." Naomi said as he started to approach them. He was so cute and fluffy. She wanted to pet him.

"Ugh, I'm not so sure about this…" The dog said dejectedly, sighing as he walked over to the group of oni and the girl who was with them.

"Shiro, just try to provoke him!" Momotaro called while he and the others ducked behind another large boulder, using it as a shield.

"What? Um, well…" Shiro said, titling his head slightly as he fumbled around in his furry little head for a good insult. "S… Slanted turtle eyes!" He barked suddenly, sweating nervously.

"The father from Softbank_!_!" Hōzuki retorted swiftly.

_DING~_

With that poor Shiro hit the ground, suddenly looking as though he had taken an immense amount of psychological damage.

"That one phrase hurts me the most…" The white dog groaned miserably. He had taken a mortal blow. "But if it's Ueto Aya, then I wouldn't mind having her as my daughter…"

"Adopt her? Hasn't she already been married off?" Naomi asked, unwittingly delivering the finishing blow.

_DING~_

"Gwah!" Shiro choked, twitching, as tears streamed down his face.

"Ah…" Naomi said a bit sheepishly, feeling guilty. The poor thing looked so pitiful…

"Aaaah! Shiro's been sunk_!_!" Momotaro and the rest of his companions cried, flinching in shock.

"Hmm, not bad." Hōzuki said appraisingly.

"No, that wasn't on purpose…" She said quickly, sweat-dropping.

"D-Damn it! That was too cruel!" The monkey cried.

"We'll avenge you, Shiro the underdog!" The pheasant declared.

"Don't call me that…" Shiro whined, visibly wilting.

"The brains of the team, Kakisuke!" The monkey shouted, introducing himself as he jumped forward to take his turn against the cruel demons.

"Kakisuke?" Naomi said, blinking. "For some reason, that sounds really familiar… I think my mom told be a story about a monkey with a name like that before."

"Ah, yes, the persimmon monkey." Hōzuki said calmly, pulling out a pocket book on folklore that he just happened to have on him. "Weren't you sued by the crab family six hundred years ago on charges of grievous bodily harm?"

"Eh? Is that what happened_!_?" Naomi asked, startled. She didn't remember any serious violence happening in the version she had heard from her mom. The monkey flinched guiltily, avoiding her gaze.

"Did you ever apologize?" Hōzuki pressed the monkey further, pushing him over the edge.

_DING~_

"P-Please… _Please forgive me for the sins of my past_…" Kakisuke sobbed as he fell, hiding his face in his hands shamefully as he curled up into a fetal position.

'Woah… Seriously, just what went down between him and that crab…?' Naomi wondered, sweat-dropping. Whatever it was, it had clearly traumatized the monkey somehow…

"Kakisuke_!_? Damn you!" The pheasant said, flying over to avenge his friends. "Rocket Launcher: Rurio the Pheasant!" He announced himself, striking a dramatic pose.

"The pheasant… is bigger than I thought it would be…" Hōzuki said as they stared at it. "But that's really all you've got going for you."

_DING~_

"Pheasants suck…" Rurio moaned miserably as dropped like a rock.

'Why is he being done in by something so bland?' Naomi wondered, sweat-dropping again. These guys were embarrassingly weak in the mental fortitude department.

"Aaaaah_!_! My comrades_!_!_?_" Momotaro cried, rushing over to the fallen animals.

"Momotaro…" Rurio said shakily. "Oni are just too powerful…"

"We're better off not messing with them…" Shiro agreed weakly.

"You damned oni…! You're heartless through-and-through!" Momotaro shouted, gritting his teeth as he turned on Hōzuki with his sword drawn, though personally Naomi didn't think anything the oni had said was that bad. She'd heard nastier insults in her middle school's girls' locker room. "It's time for you to sample my skills with a blade!" Very slowly, Hōzuki raised his spiked iron club and stepped forward to face the irate hero. The two men stood facing each other. It was like watching a frog trying to stare down a snake.

_CHING~!_

In one swift motion almost too fast for the eyes to catch, Hōzuki swung his club, snapping the blade of Momotaro's sword in half effortlessly.

"!" Naomi and Nasubi gasped as the broken half flew straight past their heads, embedding itself violently in the rock behind them.

'H-Holy shit…' Naomi thought, staring at the deep hole the blade had bored into the dense rock with wide eyes. If it had been an inch or two off on either side, it could have skewered one of them!

_"NOOOOOO!_!" Momotaro shrieked, staring at what still remained in his hands of the broken sword in shock and horror.

"Well, yeah…" Kakisuke said as he and his fellow animals watched him break down.

"Even a master swordsman's sword is gonna break if it's hit with an iron club…" Shiro finished with a frown.

"How in the world did this man win at Onigashima?" Hōzuki wondered aloud as he stared down at the bawling Momotaro, who had retreated into his own little corner of woe.

"For real…" Naomi agreed, sweat-dropping. For a group who was supposed to have defeated an entire island full of oni, these guys were humiliatingly weak.

"Well, to be honest the oni were all dead drunk at the time…" Shiro admitted frankly, causing Momotaro to flinch in shock at his betrayal of such vital information.

"Don't give that away_!_!" The crying hero snapped.

"Chalk it up to youth, vigor, and beginner's luck…" Kakisuke added.

"Hey_!_!" Momotaro yelled.

"The townsfolk were so happy, and we were so proud…" Shiro continued.

"We got carried away in our arrogance." Kakisuke admitted shamefully.

_SMACK!_

"_!_!" Everyone gasped when Hōzuki suddenly struck Momotaro hard across the face in one of the most perfect bitch-slaps Naomi had ever seen. The force behind the stinging blow sent the wannabe hero to his knees. Momotaro was in so much pain that he couldn't even talk back. He was too stunned by the sudden attack.

"You lived your life as a hero, and then you go and do this in the afterlife… Don't you have any shame?" Hōzuki demanded sternly.

"… He's right, Momotaro…" Shiro said after a moment of silence had passed. "Stop this… Were you so desperate to protect your pride?"

"Momotaro… I know I give you a lot of lip, but the real reason I've stayed with you is because I'm fond of you." Rurio admitted seriously.

"Yeah…" Kakisuke agreed.

"But, we can't keep clinging to our past glories forever…" Rurio continued solemnly. "It's wrong to be fixated on oni 'because you're Momotaro'."

"You… You guys…" Momotaro said as he looked over at his friends, deeply touched.

"Excuse me, but would you three like to work here in Fukisho?" Hōzuki asked the animals, already squatting down in front of them to speak on their level. "At first you'll be on a three month contract, but after that you can become a full-time employee." Hōzuki explained.

"Eh? Really_!_?" The animals asked excitedly, crowding around the straight-faced oni.

'Well, that was fast!' Naomi thought. He didn't waste a single second getting back to work. 'Not to mention that's pretty similar to the offer they made me… is that the standard company policy around here or something?' she wondered while the animals let out an excited cheer, happily accepting Hōzuki's offer for employment.

"Hey_!_!" Momotaro shouted incredulously. Didn't they just say they wanted to stay with him? They changed their minds about that hella fast!

"I have a job opening I would like you to fill as well." Hōzuki added, glancing up at the hero while he was petting Shiro.

"Heh?" Momotaro said, blinking in confusion.

"Oh, is it with that peach farm in Heaven?" Naomi asked.

"Yes." Hōzuki replied with a nod. "You will have to work the specific terms of your employment out with them, but I can introduce you and provide you with a reference if needed." He told Momotaro.

"Er…" Momotaro started a bit awkwardly, not quite sure how to feel about this sudden offer for a new job. The only thing he had ever done up till now was go after oni…

"It's all right." Naomi said as if she knew what he was thinking, placing a hand on his shoulder. "The secret of change is to focus not on fighting the old, but on building the new. Don't be afraid to move on and try new things. You just might be lucky enough to find something even better than what you're leaving behind." Naomi said, gracing him with a gentle and comforting smile, thinking back to when she had reached a similar crossroads in her old life, back when she was first recruited to work at the club with Asami and the rest of the gang. Those were wild, strange, and crazy days, and she never would have imagined that her life would end up going the way it did… but it was fun being together with everyone.

"You… For oni, you all are actually pretty nice…" Momotaro said as he glanced between Hōzuki and Naomi, stunned by her seemingly angelic radiance. Naomi nearly face-faulted.

"You do know that I'm _human_, right?" She asked, sweat-dropping.

–∞–

Hell has 272 subdivisions. Among those are also duty stations run by animals. They say that one of these is a hell of wild beasts.

"Remember the taste of these sinners' blood, newbies!" A fierce and wild looking white dog with a scar across his face and a spiked collar around his neck barked at Shiro and the others as he instructed them on the proper method for punishing animal abusers in Fukisho.

"Yes, Sempai!" Shiro answered dutifully, gnawing away on the skull of one screaming soul, while Kakisuke bit his arm, and Rurio pecked another's brains out.

'So zealous…' Naomi thought as she watched, making sure to stick close to her boss so she wouldn't accidentally be mistaken for one of the souls who was supposed to be receiving punishment.

"Does this resolve your staffing issues in Fukisho?" Hōzuki asked the minion they had started out talking to in the very beginning.

"Yessir!" The oni responded happily, glad the problem had finally been resolved.

And as for Momotaro…

"So cute~" Naomi sang happily as she picked up one of the many rabbits hopping around the peach farm in Shangri-La, holding it gently but firmly so she could stroke its soft fur while she walked with Hōzuki, who had also gotten hold of an adorable ball of fluff to pet. It was so refreshing to be able to enjoy the peaceful company of something without a set of razor-sharp claws and/or teeth that could be used to rip a person limb from limb.

"How is the job working out?" Hōzuki asked Momotaro as they approached him.

"Oh, very well, thank you." Momotaro said politely, pausing in his task of cutting weeds away from the trees for a moment to greet them. He was looking much better without that ostentatious costume, and he had ditched the lipstick. "I come from a long line of woodcutters, so it's perfect for me!"

Despite the small incident in Hell, he has begun to distinguish himself working in Heaven's Shangri-La.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Shiro-kun, A Daily Study**

* * *

"Hmm… This area seems to be lacking something…" Hōzuki said thoughtfully, scanning their surroundings with keen eyes. They were currently inspecting a section of Hell were the punishment was perpetually burning at the stake.

"… Screams?" Naomi ventured tentatively, noticing how unusually quiet it seemed compared to the surrounding areas. Despite the fact that they were all being burned 'alive', most of the souls weren't even making a peep. "I mean, they almost look…"

"Bored." Hōzuki finished, nodding in agreement. It would seem many of the souls here had gotten too used to the pain after being made to endure the same punishment over and over for several thousand years in a row. "We'll have to switch it up somehow… You're a professional sadist, any suggestions?" He prompted Naomi, who was proving to be more and more capable as an assistant with each passing day.

"Well, I hate myself for even suggesting this, but…" She began hesitantly, already feeling guilty as the plan formed in her mind. "Instead of just leaving them tied to stakes covered in a constant flame, why not string them up on a pulley so that they're stuck hanging over an open flame, with the only thing keeping them from falling in being their own hands holding onto the other end rope? The futile struggle to save themselves will add more psychological stress, and they won't be able to adjust and stay numb to the pain so easily, because it'll be more intermittent." She finished with a heavy sigh. Even if it was ultimately 'for their own good', she still felt like a traitor whenever she was asked to suggest something like this…

"All right. Have them start drawing up a plan." Hōzuki said, nodding in approval. It should be simple, relatively cheap, and effective. Sometimes he really liked the way Naomi thought. Most of the time he asked her stuff like this just because he knew how much it bothered her. He liked to keep her on her toes. She would make a fine minion if it weren't for that chronic case of 'Catholic Guilt' that she seemed to suffer from.

_[Emergency warning! Emergency warning!]_ An announcement suddenly blared over the intercom system._ [One of the dead has escaped from a lesser hell. Please blockade all the gates of Hell immediately. I repeat, one of the dead has…]_

Hōzuki's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Hōzuki-sama_!_!_!_" Nasubi's superior from the other day yelled as he came running over, dragging the smaller white-haired oni by his head. "This newcomer carelessly brought in a 1seg… and the evil spirit Sadako escaped_!_!"

'Eh_!_? Sadako's here, too_!_!_?_' Naomi thought, gasping in shock. Wasn't she just supposed to be a character they created for the _Ring_ movies? That bitch was real_!_? If she got out Japan—no anywhere they had television—was going to be totally screwed_!_!

_BAM!_

With an eerily calm expression on his face, Hōzuki immediately whacked Nasubi across the face with his club upon hearing the news, sending him spiraling to the ground with a harsh thud.

"You should have been warned about this at the orientation session! Even if you hadn't, you should know that whenever you do _anything _you should report, communicate, and discuss!" Hōzuki said sternly, needling him in the cheek with his spiked club.

"I… I'm so sorry…" Nasubi apologized, trembling as he held his bloody nose. Workplace politics were hard…

"You said she escaped through the 1seg?" Hōzuki asked, turning back to Nasubi's supervisor. It must have been through a connection to one of those new smart phones that also acted as a TV. "What a gutsy spirit."

"To think she could slip through such a small opening so easily..." Naomi said, holding her chin as pictured that mass of black hair jamming itself through the screen of the phone.

"No, it looks like she worked really hard to do it!" Nasubi's superior said, sweat-dropping. It had been a really tight squeeze.

"Sadako… she can get away if there's a television around…" Hōzuki said thoughtfully, as holding his chin as he quickly tried to think of a way to recapture her. "Quickly, affix wards to the front of all the televisions in this area! And then install a 52-inch with built in Blu-Ray right here!" He ordered swiftly.

"Huh_!_?" The minions said, momentarily taken aback, but they quickly rushed off to carry out his orders.

"So, I'm guessing you're going to try to lure her over here by cutting off all her other escape routes?" Naomi asked.

"Yes." Hōzuki answered with a curt nod, glad they were on the same page. "Be prepared to catch her the moment she shows herself."

"Yes, sir!" Naomi replied dutifully with a little salute. This was turning out really interesting.

Once the TV with built in Blu-Ray was set up, Naomi and Hōzuki lay in wait for Sadako with the other minions in the area. They didn't have to wait long.

_"Uooooh, this screen is massive!"_ Sadako gurgled in a waterlogged voice as she began crawling out of the screen. _"… Um?"_ She said a bit awkwardly, freezing when she suddenly found herself surrounded by a bunch of armed oni.

"All right, there she is!" One of the minions shouted.

"Aim for the eyes!"

"See. Dangle a treat in front of her, and she comes right away." Hōzuki remarked calmly to Naomi and Nasubi's superior as they watched.

"Just like Yamata no Orochi…" Nasubi's superior said, sweat-dropping. "Good TVs are great…"

_"D-Damn it… I've been tricked…"_ Sadako cursed, trembling with rage. _"Now it's come to this, I'll break the horns of every one of you demons! … And your little 'dog', too!"_ She added, referring to Naomi. _"Revenge!"_

"I take exception to that! And what are you going to do,_ kill_ me?" Naomi retorted sassily, pulling the rope in her hands taught. Nice try, but you couldn't kill something that was already dead, and any injuries she sustained would just regenerate anyway.

"Just try and shock us as much as you shocked all of Japan!" Hōzuki dared the vengeful spirit.

_"Shut up! A woman's wrath is a thousand times that of a snake! Prepare yourself_!_!_!" Sadako snapped furiously, launching herself at the high-ranking oni with a shriek.

"Aahh! Look out, Hōzuki-sama…!" Nasubi and his superior cried, flinching in shock.

_WHAM!_

Before Sadako could even get close enough to lay a finger on Hōzuki, the white dog from the other day, Shiro, suddenly pounced out of nowhere, tackling the vengeful spirit to the ground with his face twisted into a vicious snarl.

"Aaaaaargh_!_!" Sadako screamed, struggling to get away as he bit her. "What is this white dog doing_!_? He's scary!" Staring at the scene, Hōzuki suspected Shiro's canine instincts must have kicked in, and he had attacked because of how much she resembled a flailing cockroach.

"All right! I'll take it from here, Shiro-san!" Naomi said as she slid over to them, using her rope to truss the evil spirit up like Thanksgiving turkey with incredible speed and accuracy.

"Oh, as expected of a professional!" Nasubi's superior said while the other minions cheered, impressed.

"You're also supposed to be professionals." Hōzuki reminded them crisply. Minions who had hundreds and thousands of years worth of experience in torture shouldn't be so impressed by a human, however skilled.

While Nasubi's superior lectured the recaptured Sadako, and the rest of the minions began cleaning up and carting away the TV, Shiro was wagging his tail and staring up at Hōzuki brightly.

"Well done, Shiro-san." Hōzuki said, squatting down to pet him. "You made a wonderful entrance, like a werewolf in some B-horror movie."

"Yes! Hōzuki-sama." Shiro responded happily to his praise.

"Yeah, I was really surprised." Naomi agreed with a smile as joined them, giving Shiro a nice scratch behind his ears.

"You also did well." Hōzuki added, giving her a pat on the head.

"Uh, thanks?" Naomi said a little wryly, wondering why she was also being petted. It was nice to be praised, but why was she getting the same treatment as Shiro…? Was that how he saw her? Did that mean she was on the same level as a dog? She liked animals but the thought of being treated like one kind of pissed her off...

Since they were all a little thirsty after the excitement, the three of them decided to get some drinks from the vending machine in a nearby rest area.

"Have you gotten used to life Fukisho Hell yet?" Hōzuki asked the dog as they sat down on the bench to enjoy a short break and drink their juice.

"Yes! Sempai has taught me many things." Shiro answered cheerfully as he gulped down his juice, referring to the white dog with the scar on his face that Naomi had seen him with the other day. "What about you, Na… Nami-san?" He asked her.

"It's _Naomi_. But if that's too hard to remember, then you can just call me 'Nao'." She corrected him patiently with a wry smile, sweat-dropping. "As for work…"

"Shiro!" A little apricot-colored poodle barked sternly, interrupting their conversation, as she trotted over to them. "Hurry up and submit your report!"

"Ah… yeah, sorry." Shiro apologized, clearly disappointed that he had been found so soon.

"I think you mean 'I'm so very sorry, please forgive me'_!_? Get it into your thick skull!" The poodle snapped angrily with a vein throbbing on her forehead.

"W-Woof…" Shiro said much more politely, sweat-dropping.

"Woof." A beefy Doberman pincher barked in a deep voice.

"Ah! Good work today, Chief~" The poodle squealed excitedly, doing a complete 180° personality-wise.

"Who's she?" Naomi asked.

"She's a court lady in Fukisho…" Shiro replied rather dispiritedly. "The important things my boss/sempai has taught me are: 1) Don't make the court lady angry. 2) If she's angry, don't try to use rational arguments against her. 3) One souvenir for employees, two for the court lady."

"Did something happen to your boss?" Hōzuki wondered aloud, while Naomi sweat-dropped. This conversation was beginning to remind her of the unfortunate incident that occurred when her father accidentally forgot both her mother's birthday and Christmas present one year. It had not been pretty.

"The lady is unusually strict with him… but when she's talking with the Section Chief, her voice goes up a tone…" Shiro explained awkwardly.

"I don't really want to know… about Fukisho Hell's office love triangle." Hōzuki said.

"I looked around when I had some free time… Heh… It's never going to happen." Shiro said bitterly with a vein throbbing on his forehead. Who would want to marry a ballbuster like her?

"Oh my, that's not a good way to think. And it's just you feeling sorry for yourself." Hōzuki told him calmly. "Does she even really like the Section Chief?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say it sounds like she's probably more into your sempai." Naomi added. Their relationship sounded very similar to her parents'. Although her mother was usually fairly patient and better at keeping her temper in check, since she worked as an Air Traffic controller, she was stricter with her father than others because she cared about him.

"Hōzuki-sama… Naomi-san… It's hard being a man." Shiro said dejectedly.

"Deal with it. In times like these wise men must be gentlemen." Hōzuki stated coolly, taking a sip of his juice.

"Yeah, your life will be a thousand times easier if you just follow your sempai's advice." Naomi said with a wry smile. "My grandfather used to say that a gentleman was just a patient wolf."

"And your boss has better things to do." Hōzuki added. Just then, Enma spotted and approached them from behind.

"Oh! It's Hōzuki-kun and Nao-chan! Are you on a break too? Is it a date?" The Great King asked cheerfully with a big smile, causing Hōzuki's expression to deadpan even further and Naomi to sweat-drop a bit nervously. Was the big boss trying to get her killed? "Oh! You're drinking juice~ What? Who are you gossiping about?" he asked curiously, wanting in.

"…" Hōzuki said nothing and just continued to stare straight ahead. Maybe if they ignored him long enough, he would just go away.

"Um… Enma-sama, this is—" Naomi said, gesturing to Shiro, as she prepared to introduce him and explain, but that apparently wasn't necessary.

"Oh! Is this our new recruit, Shiro-chan?" Enma asked excitedly when he saw the cute little white dog.

"Woof!" Shiro barked in greeting.

"How cute~ You're pure white!" Enma said.

"Indeed, this is your first meeting, isn't it?" said Hōzuki. "Introduce yourse…"

"Come here! Comer here!" Enma said enthusiastically, cutting him off as he waved Shiro over. Naomi sweat-dropped. Somehow, she didn't think this was going to end well. "Paw!" the Great King commanded with a grin. Shiro obediently put placed his paw on top of his hand. "And the other paw!"

"Yama-sama… say hello properly…" Hōzuki said.

"Yama-sama?" Naomi asked.

"It's another name for Enma-sama." He explained patiently. "Great King…"

"Bow!" Enma said, still playing with Shiro. Shiro flomped down on his tummy, wagging his tail.

"Wow, you really are one of Momotaro's former companions!" Enma praised him. It was cute, but Naomi didn't see what any of that had to do with being able to slay demons. "Then let's try something a little harder!" Enma said excitedly. "Imitate Inoki…" Before he could finish, Hōzuki promptly complied with his request by imitating Antonio Inoki's signature slap, only he used his iron club instead of his hand. Naomi and Shiro flinched in shock.

'H-He really did it…!' she thought, stunned. He seriously hit the King of Hell just now… And King Enma was just taking it!

"Shiro-san, this is the world famous Yama." Hōzuki stated coolly.

"Pleased to me you. And he's meant to be my trusted friend." Enma said, sweat-dropping, as he pointed at Hōzuki, trembling while a huge bump formed on his aching head.

'You seriously need to make yourself some better friends…' Naomi thought, sweat-dropping. That blow would have killed Enma if he wasn't already dead.

"… H… How are you…?" Shiro said nervously, sweat-dropping as he offered Enma his paw again.

"… Right now I'm not so good…" Enma replied miserably.

"Listen up, whether you're an ordinary person or a great king, everyone must always try their hardest." Hōzuki told Shiro, picking up their previous conversation again as he squatted down to pet the fluffy white dog.

"Don't I always say and do just that? Right?" Enma asked.

"You only get out what you put in..." Hōzuki said, ignoring him. Shiro glanced between the oni and the Great King.

"That's right. Right, Hōzuki-kun?" said Enma.

"Shut up." Hōzuki responded coldly.

"Did you just tell me to shut up?" Enma asked. Naomi sweat-dropped again.

"Okay, I'll try my hardest, Hōzuki-sama. I look forward to working with you, Yama-san." Shiro said without any ill intentions as a bar graph formed in his mind, ranking Hōzuki at #1, Enma at #2, his sempai and Naomi at #3, and Momotaro and his other friends and himself at #4.

"What_!_?" Enma exclaimed, flinching in shock. Based on the honorifics alone, he was clearly being placed below his advisor.

'Dogs are very skilled in picking up on hierarchies and who's boss, and clearly express this in their behavior.' Naomi thought wryly as a bead of sweat slid down the side of her face.

"Hey, hey, Yama-san, Hōzuki-sama, and Nao-san… Hell's really big." Shiro said, plopping himself down on Naomi's lap as the four of them sat on the bench together (of which Enma took up half), angling for another petting session, which Naomi was only too happy to provide. "I was so surprised, since I'd only been in heaven with Momotaro before now."

"Yes, I was surprised as well!" Naomi agreed. "But is there really that much of a size difference between the two?"

"There is…" Hōzuki replied.

"Um… Could you at least use 'sama' with me too…" Enma asked Shiro, sweat-dropping.

"Okay, Yam-sama." Shiro said.

"Yam-sama? Ah, that sounds like Yon-sama, I guess it's okay…" The Great King said.

'Like that Korean actor…? Is he a fan?' Naomi wondered dubiously.

"In the world of the dead, there is Heaven and Hell… and of the two, Hell is overwhelmingly larger." Hōzuki continued, fiddling with his juice can. "In the beginning, Hell had two worlds, the land of the living, and the land of the dead. But, once upon a time… when the underworld was still called 'Yomi'… it was complete chaos, with the dead everywhere. All the gods and goddesses had a meeting, and the result was that the world became as it is now, split into three worlds: the living world, Heaven, and Hell." He explained, pulling out an illustration of the three together.

"Ah, it's Ikebukuro station!" Shiro said, wagging his tail.

"Ah, that place! Just how many exits does one station need? The dungeons in Final Fantasy are easier to navigate…" Naomi said, sweat-dropping as she remembered how hard it had been to navigate that particular station.

"Yes, yes." Said Hōzuki. "Then, Jigoku was constructed after consultation with India, China, and others about how a hell should be structured. That is why Japan's netherworld is so complicated, just like Ikebukuro station. However, when you compare Heaven and Hell… Hell is bigger."

"It really is big." Enma agreed.

"Why?" asked Shiro.

"Probably because heaven is so hard to get into." Naomi suggested with a frown and a sigh.

"That, and because the judgment after death takes a long time…" said Hōzuki. It was rare for the postmortem judgments to be over before 'Sankaiki', the second anniversary of a person's death. "These judgments are carefully presided over by ten kings. And among those kings, Yama is Hell's representative."

'That's right…' Naomi thought, going over the list in her head. The order in which the kings were seen went as follows:

1) King Quinguang (Shinkou)  
2) King Chujiang (Shokou)  
3) King Songdi (Soutei)  
4) King Wuguan (Gokan)  
5) King Yanluo (Enma)  
6) King Biancheng (Henjyō)  
7) King Taishan (Taizan)  
8) King Dushi (Hyoudou)  
9) King Pingdeng (Toshi)  
10) King Zhuanlun (Godou Tenrin)

"Wow! Yama-sama! That's amazing!" Shiro exclaimed, finally getting Enma's name right as bar representing Enma's rank in his mind rose up a little higher.

"Ah, now do you understand how powerful I am? … Oh… but the rankings didn't change…" Enma said, sweat-dropping.

"Now then, let's get back to work." Hōzuki said, standing up. "I'm sure you have things to do, Shiro-san."

"Ah! Yeah, I guess." Shiro said a bit reluctantly, staying in Naomi's lap.

"You only just started, you mustn't be lazy." Hōzuki chided the dog, shaking his can. There appeared to be something stuck inside of it.

"But it's so tiring… I've been doing the same thing for a thousand years." Enma said with a sigh.

"I don't get much chance to do this either." Hōzuki admitted, tapping his juice can against his head, almost like a dog holding a paw to his forehead. For some reason there seemed to be a sparkling background behind him.

"Wow, the dog man's playful pose." Shiro remarked.

'Why are there sparkles…?' Naomi wondered. They were a total mismatch with the deadpan expression on the handsome oni's face. "Well… alive or dead, I guess everyone gets a case of the 'office blues' from time to time..." she mused aloud with a sigh, gently moving Shiro aside so she could get up.

_CLUNK!_

"Come on, it's time to work." Hōzuki said coolly, throwing his half-full juice can into the trashcan with such ferocity that it actually made the trashcan shake and hop a few inches off of the ground.

"Hōzuki-sama, you didn't finish your grape juice?" Shiro asked as he hopped off the bench.

"It was sour." Hōzuki replied tersely.

'So the thing he was trying to shake loose was the juice_!_?' Naomi thought, flinching in shock. Just how far past its expiration date did juice have to be in order for it to turn solid like that…?

"Shiro!" came a shrill and angry bark, making the white dog flinch. The court lady had returned. "You! Didn't you hear me tell you to do the reports earlier_!_?" the little apricot poodle demanded sternly with a vein throbbing on her forehead.

"Ah… I'm sorry…" Shiro said meekly. A bead of nervous sweat slid down the side of his face.

"And one more thing! Your writing is atrocious!" she snapped. To anyone else all paw prints might look alike, but dogs could tell the difference. "Write your report neatly! This is the basics!"

"Hey, hey… You don't have to chew him out in front of Yama…" Shiro's sempai with the scarred face said as he ran over to join them.

"I believe the truth can be said anywhere!" the court lady huffed.

"Hey, now!" Enma said, sweat-dropping. He didn't like to see his employees fighting amongst themselves.

"See…?" Shiro whispered to Hōzuki and Naomi. "She's really strict, that court lady… No one's gonna marry a ball buster like that…"

"Shiro-san, she may lack for tact, but what she's saying isn't wrong." Hōzuki said calmly.

"Yes, I'm sure she's being strict with you because she wants you to learn quickly. My old supervisor at the company I used to work for was the same when I first started out." Naomi added sympathetically. "It may seem tedious, but it's very important to follow the proper procedure and etiquette within a big company, or it can cause confusion and delay work. Though I can understand why you might feel intimidated…" It was his first time working at a job like this, and it was a lot for someone with no experience to learn all at once.

"That's right. You're a bit too direct." Shiro's sempai agreed. "You're scaring Shiro."

"… Eh…" the court lady said, taken aback. "Well… about that… sorry…" she apologized, sweat-dropping. She hadn't realized how harsh she had been coming across as.

"… Huh…?" Shiro said, tilting his head in confusion. "Um… Aren't you two… like… enemies…?" he asked, sweat-dropping.

"Huh?" his sempai said, surprised.

"…" he and the court lady exchanged a glance.

"… What to do… should we tell him?" she asked.

"We'd better…" answered his sempai. "This is sooner than we'd planned, though."

"Shiro, you're still young. It takes an adult male to understand a woman's heart." The court lady said, snuggling close to Shiro's sempai as a warm and fluffy pink background worthy of being in a shoujo manga formed around them.

"We're getting married." His sempai explained proudly.

"I'm going to retire and be a housewife." She added happily.

_"Seriously!_!_?"_ Shiro incredulously, flinching and turning blue with shock as he dripped with sweat. OMFG_!_!_!_

"Congratulations!" Naomi said while she and the others clapped for them. 'Knew it.' She thought. It was amazing how much Japanese hell felt like a normal company sometimes.

"Yay, I can't wait for the puppies!" Enma said, blushing excitedly at the thought of how cute the couple's kids would be.

'Fukisho is going to be understaffed again…' Hōzuki thought.

Life in Hell is generally like this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Strange Discovery In Hell**

* * *

In 'that' world, there exist animals and plants not found in 'this' world.

Hōzuki watched his carefully cared for field of kingyosou flop around on their long stalks, swaying their tail fins with the breeze.

"To change the fertilizer, or to change the feed… that is the question." He mused aloud, resting his head on his hand. As usual, he planned to use part of his lunch break to make sure they were properly hydrated. Hōzuki placed the garden hose in a bucket that had holes punched into the bottom, and used a fishing rod to hold it up over the patch of goldfish plants to water them. The kingyosou flapped their side fins excitedly in the gentle shower of water.

"Ohh, awesome." Said a minion who happened to be passing by with a tray of scrolls. "It grew so much, the kingyosou species that Hōzuki-sama had genetically modified. There are many hobbyists right now… There's also large-scale events and competitions, right?" he added good-naturedly. "My cousin is so obsessed with them that he often drives his wife mad~"

"I understand." Hōzuki said. "Because I'm so busy that I have no time for a holiday, this unwittingly became my hobby." Although, lately the nearly nonexistent time he had to relax had increased to a somewhat more tolerable amount since Naomi's addition to the staff… Her shocked expression when he first introduced her to his 'pets' had been very amusing.

Later that evening, Naomi had just finished placing her order for barbequed salmon with sides of grilled asparagus and seasoned wild rice, when King Enma joined the line right behind her.

"Oh, if it isn't Nao-chan!" he said, pleasantly surprised. "What did you order? Are you eating together with Hōzuki-kun?" he asked with a big grin.

"Actually…" Naomi said, sweat-dropping, about to explain how a lot of times (like tonight) she liked to eat with Shiro-kun and friends when their shifts ended at the same time, since she and Hōzuki saw enough of each other during work hours. After such a long day, she wanted to be able to spend some time relaxing and commiserating with her coworkers. It was a bit much to be expected to hang out with your boss after work hours.

"Let's all eat together, then! It'll be fun!" he said brightly with the radiance of a thousand suns before she could object.

"Today's dinner is Coelacanth-don~!" The Great King sang cheerfully as he led the way to join Hōzuki at the table in front of the TV, completely oblivious to Naomi's reluctance to follow him.

'Uwah… I knew the staff canteen possessed and incredible variety of cuisine, but to think they'd even cook such a highly endangered species of fish…' she thought as a bead of sweat slid down the side of her face. "Hm?" she said, perking up when she heard a familiar theme song playing as they approached Hōzuki. "Is that 'Mystery Theatre'?" she asked, surprised. "I used to watch this all the time when I was still alive!" Tonight's episode was all about Australia.

"Oh! Is this a TV show from the human realm?" Enma asked.

"Yes, we can watch it through the CS." Hōzuki said calmly. "I like how this show's presenter makes himself seem larger than life."

"Yes, he's good at that." Naomi agreed, sitting down to watch. 'They get reception all the way down here? The satellite TV in Hell is amazing!' she thought.

"… Ah?" Enma said as something occurred to him. "Say, come to think of it… there was a peculiar figurine in your office." He told Hōzuki. "I wonder what it was…"

"You mean the Crystal Hitoshi-kun?" Naomi asked.

"Crystal Hitoshi-kun_!_!_?_ Is that what it was_!_?" Enma asked, flinching in surprise.

"I won it with a Mongolian folk costume." Hōzuki replied coolly.

"That's so amazing! But dull!" Enma exclaimed while Naomi sweat-dropped, wondering how the two prizes were supposed to be related. "Haa… but it looks so enjoyable, don't you think so? Traveling overseas…" Enma said with a sigh. "I haven't been on a trip overseas in the last one thousand years, except on business…"

"Me, too." Said Hōzuki. "How I wish pay a long visit to the 'Witches' Valley'. I might be able to see Potter too…"

"Huh? Isn't that in Germany? Harry's supposed to be English. Ah, but I've heard they have a great festival for Walpurgisnacht… I should have splurged on a real vacation before I died…" Naomi said with a sigh, resting her head on her hand. It was too late for that now. She hadn't expected to be stuck working in her afterlife too.

"If you tried going there on that particular night, you would be cast out for sure." Hōzuki retorted bluntly. That festival was supposed to be for exorcising evil from the mountains, so demons and ghosts wouldn't be very comfortable there.

"I think the human realm is so awesome…" Enma said, daydreaming about all of the amazing places one could go there. "I wanna plant a flag on Earth's belly button, Ayer's Rock, and shout 'Chicken rice!'"

"Chicken rice?" Naomi said wryly.

"You will do no such thing!" Hōzuki said sternly, slamming his club into the ground with a fierce frown. "How could you think of sticking a flag into the Earth's belly button… Don't you know that it'll give the Earth a stomachache_!_?"

"Seriously_!_?" Naomi exclaimed, sweat-dropping, as she and Enma both flinched in shock.

"You_!_! Don't you think you sound like a mother sometimes_!_?" Enma complained to Hōzuki, also sweat-dropping.

"Be gentler to the Earth_!_!" Hōzuki scolded him, needling the Great King's cheek with his spiked club.

"You're not being gentle with me_!_!" Enma exclaimed indignantly, fighting to push it away. Naomi sweat-dropped again. To think these were her bosses… it would probably seem totally hilarious if they weren't her problem.

"Oh, look! It's Kangaroo Island." She said, drawing their attention back to the TV. They watched the beautiful scenery while a female explorer began explaining what kinds of wildlife could be found there.

"But, I wish to visit Australia too." Hōzuki admitted after a moment.

"It's beautiful and also full of unique sceneries." Said Enma.

"They have a lot of unique wildlife too." Said Naomi.

"Yes, and also…" Hōzuki said, glancing back at the screen as the camera zoomed in on a koala in a tree. "I want to hug the koalas." He said determinedly, clenching his fist.

"I know, right?" Naomi agreed enthusiastically with a smile. "The Marsupials they have there are really cute and interesting."

"Why a koala_!_?" Enma asked Hōzuki, completely taken aback. "I can see Nao-chan cuddling with one, but aren't you the type that prefers to tame the Tasmanian Devil_!_?" Those things were the epitome of ferocity!

"You're being rude!" Hōzuki snapped. "If you ask which type I am, I'm definitely the type that wishes to speak with wallabies!" he stated seriously.

"Are you saying all you think about is stuff like the Sylvanian Families_!_!_?_" Enma shouted incredulously. Did the warm part of Hell just freeze over_!_?

"Oh, I remember those…" Naomi said. She used to have the bunny series of those cute little animal dollhouse sets.

"Wallabies are definitely adorable…" Hōzuki continued. "But if you look closer at Kangaroos, they are mysteriously ennui…"

"One of my personal favorites is the platypus." Naomi quipped. "They look unreal, but they're oddly cute in their own way, and they don't take crap lying down."

"Yes, the hind claws of the male platypus are poisonous." Hōzuki agreed.

"Hey! Why do you know so much about the animals of Oceania?" Enma asked him.

"Because I happen to enjoy books and TV shows about animals." Hōzuki replied calmly. "I enjoyed following the serialization of the 'Choju-Giga' while it was ongoing, too."

"You mean the national treasure of 'Animal-Person Caricatures' that were published by the monks at Kozan Temple?" Naomi asked, sweat-dropping. That was back in the 12th/13th century… Just how old was Hōzuki?

"Speaking of which, don't you often visit zoos when you go to the human realm for work… Can you stop reporting that as a business expense?" Enma asked.

"It counts as an on-site investigation." Hōzuki quipped. "And you were right, Naomi-san. The Ueno Zoo was awesome. They had a deadly amount of pigeons." One kid was seriously crying when they surrounded her.

"That's awesome?" Enma asked dubiously.

'I said that as a warning, not a recommendation…' Naomi thought wryly, sweat-dropping.

"Not only that, the blue shoebills at Ueno Zoo will remain perfectly still. The distance between the shoebills and I… is so wonderful, I love it!" Hōzuki said, clutching his chopsticks. No matter what anyone did, they refused to move. Their hearts were hardened beyond influence. "I adore their standoffishness."

"Yes, they're famous for that." Naomi said with a wry smile. It made sense for him to like them, since he was just like that himself…

"Oh, I can see it now." Enma said, picturing Hōzuki staring straight at the unblinking birds with identical standoffish expressions on their faces. "Those birds remind me of you somehow…" They had a lot in common.

"Aww~ Look at the baby wombat!" Naomi cooed excitedly when the adorable little animal appeared on screen. It was so cute and pudgy! It looked like it had just finished growing in its fur.

"That flat nose…" Hōzuki said, entranced.

'Fufu… to think that Hōzuki-kun has a rather cute side to him too…' Enma thought, smiling as he watched them and ate. He and Nao-chan probably got along so well because they were both animal lovers. 'He might unexpectedly admire Mutsugorou-san, too… Something like, Hōzuki-kun and his happy animal friends.' Enma suddenly froze mid bite. 'Hōzuki-kun and his happy animal friends_!_?' he thought alarmed, gasping as the image of Hōzuki holding a whip, surrounded by some of the world's largest and most fierce and frightening creatures to have ever existed. "No… No way, no way_!_!" Enma cried, slamming his hands against the table as he turned blue with shock, starting to panic. "Hōzuki-kun! Pets are meant to be small-sized!"

'What in the world is he imagining over there all by himself…?' Naomi wondered, sweat-dropping. From the sound of it, she had a feeling she would probably be better off not knowing.

"Huh? At the moment, I only have pet goldfish." Hōzuki reminded him.

"Oh, those…" Naomi said with an awkward smile, sweat-dropping again. She thought the smaller ones were kind of cute once she got used to the idea of the existence of such a strange combination of plant and animal… But the bigger ones still gave her the creeps for some reason.

"Ah… the kingyosou, isn't it…" Enma said, also sweat-dropping as he pictured the strange creatures. "Are those… an animal? Or a plant?" he asked.

"I wonder." Said Hōzuki, tilting his head slightly. "Perhaps they are both?"

'So not even he knows?' Naomi thought, raising an eyebrow. "Wouldn't that make it a 'planimal'?" she asked.

"Yes, let's go with that." Hōzuki said. "Oh, that's right. The eldest goldfish has grown past three meters. It's very charming, want to see it?"

'It's even bigger…_!_?' Naomi thought, flinching in alarm.

"There really are happy animal friends_!_!" Enma exclaimed, shocked. "Ah, three meters…" he said, calming himself down a bit. "Then I guess you'll win this year's 'Kingyosou Competition'."

"Hm, nah." Hōzuki said, taking a bite of his shrimp tempura. "I had the chance to take part and be inducted into the hall of fame last year, so I'm on the judging panel this year."

"You have a lot of things going on, don't you." Enma said. "How exactly does one judge a competition like that?"

"Other than size, color patterns… clarity of the eyes, and the energy level…" Hōzuki said, counting each one off on his fingers. "Well, the details can be found in the competition rule book. Oh, and there's its cry as well…"

"It's cry_!_?" Enma asked, flinching in shock.

"It's like hearing a rabbit scream…" Naomi said in low voice, shuddering at the memory of when Hōzuki had shown her.

"Rabbits scream_!_?" Enma shouted, turning blue in the face.

"Only in cases of extreme fear or pain." Hōzuki explained with a straight face.

'I don't even want to know how he knows that_!_!_!_' Enma cried internally.

"But it's nothing like that for the kingyosou." Hōzuki said calmly. "They can do it at any time…"

_Example Scenario:_

_[Next up, we have contestant #4!] the emcee announced._

_"Do your best, Masako!" Contestant #4's owner encouraged the large goldfish. Masako began opening and closing her mouth._

_"… Gy…ah… OGYAA! OGYAA! OGYAA! OGYAA!" she began screaming at the top of her lungs._

_"That was wonderful." The first judge said once the goldfish had finished, giving it a nine._

_"It was full of emotion, and wonderfully discomfiting." Said Hōzuki, giving it a ten._

_"That was a really good cry." The third judge said, also giving it a ten._

"That's the cry?" Enma asked, not seeing what the big deal was. But then he had never actually heard it in person.

"The nurturing skills of the owner is also another point of evaluation." Hōzuki added nonchalantly.

"Aren't those kingyosou genetically modified by you? Even though I've know you for a very long time, you're as mysterious as ever." Enma remarked, sweat-dropping.

"Is that so? I'm quite a simple guy." Hōzuki replied carelessly.

'No, I wouldn't call someone who goes around genetically modifying plants and animals for a hobby 'simple'…!' Naomi thought, sweat-dropping. What was he thinking when he made those things?

"I couldn't even guess what you like in a woman." Enma told him.

"I would think this girl is rather cute." Hōzuki said, pointing at the woman who was explaining everything while the camera followed her around. "I kind of wish she would come over here soon."

'Mystery Hunter X Hunter_!_!' Enma thought, surprised by his choice.

'Run, Narrator-chan_!_!' Naomi thought.

"Oh~ So you like _this_ the type of girl…" Enma said, leaning closer for a better look at the screen. Personally, he thought Nao-chan was prettier.

"No… It's not exactly about her looks… I just like girls who are not afraid of bugs or animals." Hōzuki clarified as the girl gushed excitedly over the huge grub that was being shown to her.

"Ah… So that's it." Enma said, nodding in understanding. "I believe it after what you told me."

"Oh, speaking of bugs…" Naomi said, reaching into her kimono sleeve when she suddenly remembering something important. "What should I do with this guy?" she asked, pulling out a teacup that had a piece of paper with tiny pin-sized air holes poked in it secured tightly over the top with rubber band.

"This guy?" Hōzuki asked as he and Enma stared at it, wondering what could be inside.

"Well, I found this huge spider chillin' under my desk earlier, so I captured it, but now I don't know what to do with it…" she explained calmly with a small frown. "Where's the best place to release it?"

"Let me see." Enma said, thinking it couldn't be that big. His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he removed the cover and saw that spider was so large it filled the whole cup. "Eyaah_!_!" He cried, startled, throwing the cup away. Fortunately for the spider, it managed to jump out and escape before the cup shattered on the floor.

"Aw, I liked that cup…" Naomi said, disappointed. "And now that spider's probably going to be lying in wait for me under my desk again."

"That wasn't very nice, Enma-sama." Hōzuki scolded the Great King. "Those who thoughtlessly torment and abandon animals are headed straight to Fukisho Hell."

"True, humans should never do such things. But what happened just now was an accident. I was surprised!" Enma said defensively. "Most girls couldn't carry something like that around so calmly…" Nao-chan definitely wasn't a normal.

"Well, I've caught stranger things ice fishing with my family, so…" She said, scratching her cheek as she thought back to her rather eventful childhood in Alaska. And with all of her recent experiences in Hell added on top of that, a giant spider just wasn't that shocking anymore.

"That's nothing. Those who can still laugh it off when an anaconda starts to strangle them are definitely…" Hōzuki said wistfully, remembering when a certain shocking scene was broadcasted on the TV a few years ago.

"You really do admire Mutsugorou-san after all_!_!" Enma exclaimed.

'Yeah, that was a scene that didn't allow someone to simply laugh it off…' Naomi thought, sweat-dropping. "Your girlfriend would have to be a real heavy-weight to survive something like that…" she commented wryly.

"Hey… Where would you bring your date to, anyway?" Enma asked curiously.

"If it's a living girl, I'll bring her to the cemetery first. If it's a girl from here, I'd bring her to Disneyland in Maihama." Hōzuki replied.

"Why a cemetery?" Naomi asked dubiously.

"Why does the dead get the priority to visit Disneyland…?" Enma asked, sweat-dropping.

"No… It's to let the living understand that 'one day you'll become like them too'." Hōzuki explained.

"That's real downer of a topic for a date…" Naomi commented, sweat-dropping.

"At least allow the living to embrace the joy of being alive." said Enma.

"Also, I like girls who are positive." Hōzuki added, finishing off his rice.

"I doubt anyone would appreciate being told to be positive by you… Right, Nao-chan?" Enma said, glancing at her for support.

"No comment." Naomi answered with an impressively neutral expression, wisely abstaining from venting her real opinion on all the stress that she had begun to accumulate working under that sadist.

"What are you talking about?" Hōzuki asked Enma. "I have always been living my life to the fullest, blissfully and heartily every day." He stated with a fierce deadpan expression and a dark and ominous aura. Naomi sweat-dropped.

"I can't see a single ounce of cheer on your face right now." Enma retorted bluntly. "… Well, to be able to spend your days happily in this current era of chaos and dissatisfaction is a really good thing…"

"That's because if I'm angry or dissatisfied, I'll vent it out immediately." Hōzuki replied calmly.

'That's true…' Enma thought, sipping his tea.

'And usually at the expense of others…' Naomi thought as she stabbed her last piece of asparagus with her chopsticks, chagrined.

"… Nevertheless, I do wish to be able to go on a holiday once in a while." Hōzuki said, watching the Australian scenery on the TV with interest.

"Me too~" Enma said wistfully. "I want to go somewhere exciting with lots of nature and wild animals. Although, I suppose you could describe Hell that way…"

"Yeah, that kind of vacation sounds nice... I've always been interested in Australia, but I think, given the chance, I'd give Alaska priority now." Naomi remarked with a sigh. "I miss my hometown… I want to see the sunrise over the harbor… and the puffins… and the whales… and the sea lions..." She also wanted to see her family again, but she had been too worried about what they might say if they found out about her new profession to go back, and now she'd lost her chance… She should have just gone home when she lost her job instead of letting her pride get in the way… "Eagles are like pigeons over there…" she added with another sigh.

"Talk about 'Land of the Free'!" Enma remarked, suddenly picturing a scene with the swarms of pigeons in Ueno Zoo replaced by bald eagles.

"That does sound interesting…" said Hōzuki. "I've heard Alaska is America's final frontier."

"Isn't that space?" Enma asked.

"You're thinking of Star Trek." Naomi said, sweat-dropping. But it was true about Alaska being America's last frontier.

"But speaking of holidays…" Enma said, getting back on topic. "You need to plan an agenda, purchase tickets, reserve a hotel, and more… That's really troublesome~ I can understand why all dads rely on the mothers to do the planning~"

"Really? It was usually my dad who made the vacation arrangements in my family." Naomi chimed in. Her dad used to be a commercial fisherman, but now he mostly worked in the company's seafood-processing factory so he could stay closer to home.

"Eh? Then, what did your mother do?" Enma asked.

"Well, she was an air traffic controller, so… between that and raising me and my brothers, she really had her hands full… But she would take us hunting when she had some time off." Naomi explained.

"Alaskan women sure are tough." Enma said, impressed.

"Actually, my mother's originally from Hokkaido." Naomi said with a smile. Her mother met her father when she came over to Seward as part of a foreign exchange student program in high school.

"That's right." Said Hōzuki. "Your file said you were half Japanese…" Though she looked and acted more American…

"Yes, that's why they named me 'Naomi', because it's a name that can be easily transitioned between Japanese and English." In Japanese it was written using the characters for 'honest/straight' and 'beautiful'. Written in English it could be taken as the biblical name meaning 'pleasantness'.

"Oh, so that's why there was a kanji reading in parentheses next to your personal name!" said Enma.

"Ah." Hōzuki gasped suddenly, still staring at the TV.

"… Wha? Huh?" Enma said as he and Naomi looked over to see what had grabbed his attention.

"Eh…" Naomi said, blinking in disbelief, while Enma's eyes widened in surprise. Listed as the winner for a 4D3N trip to Australia for two was none other than one Hōzuki, location: Hell. "_Ehhhhh!_?" she exclaimed, flinching in shock. No way_!_!

"_You won the prize!_? _The four-day trip to Australia!_!_?_" Enma shouted incredulously, also flinching in shock. No fair_!_!_!_

"Enma-sama! Allow me to take a paid leave of absence! Even if you stop me, I'll stil go for it_!_!" Hōzuki said determinedly as he whipped out his daily planner and pen, dead serious.

_"Bring me with you!"_ Enma yelled.

_"I refuse!"_ Hōzuki said without mercy. "Naomi! Reschedule my special appointments! I'll leave the rest to you!" Naomi sweat-dropped, and let her head hit the table. It would appear her workload had just increased exponentially…

As for the second ticket, it was used for Crystal Hitoshi-kun.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Carrot and Stick  
**

* * *

On the morning of Hōzuki's departure from Hell to enjoy his four-day vacation in Australia, Naomi was surprised when he placed a black box on the desk in front of her on his way out.

"… What's this…?" She asked, curious but wary of its contents.

"I got you something to help you with work while I'm away. It's an ID necklace for you to wear, so you won't end up being mistakenly grouped with the rest of the sinners receiving punishment." Hōzuki explained calmly. "Think of it as an early birthday present, even though you're dead."

"Oh, thank you!" Naomi said, pleasantly surprised to receive such a thoughtful gift. "You really…" Her smile froze when she saw the so-called necklace. It was clearly a dog collar! The kind that had a metal buckle in the front engraved with the pet's name and their owner's contact information. Naomi snapped as a vein popped on her forehead. _"SHOULDN'T HAVE!_!_!_" she shouted angrily, beaming it him with the speed of a professional baseball player. With lightning reflexes, Hōzuki reached up and snatched it out of the air with one hand.

"… You don't like it?" Hōzuki asked, furrowing his brow slightly. "Hmm… I thought the black would match your outfit, but I suppose the one with the pink sakura pattern would have been better…"

"That's _so_ not the issue here_!_!" she snapped. "Why do you have to insist on harassing me like this_!_? Why can't you just give me something normal, like some kind of card_!_? I am not your dog! You're not my master, you're my boss—_!_!" she flinched, paling in shock when she noticed how dangerously dark his expression had become. 'Oh, crap_!_!_!_' she thought, breaking out in a nervous sweat. She'd been so pissed that she had forgotten to watch for the warning signs!

"Did you forget, Naomi-san? Working under me is your _punishment_." Hōzuki stated ominously with a scary gleam in his eye as he leaned in close, placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing it in a vice-like grip. "If you didn't want to be 'harassed' in the afterlife, then you should have made better choices while you were still alive!"

'I-I can't really argue with that…!' Naomi thought nervously as he glared fiercely at her, terrified. 'But why does he have to get so frickin' close_!_? Quit using your face as a weapon!' she cried internally.

"Oh, what's this?" Enma said when he walked in and saw them together. "An office romance~?" he asked with grin.

'What part_!_? I'm clearly being threatened here!' Naomi thought, chagrined. But she was sort of grateful to the big boss for arriving when he did, because it shifted Hōzuki's attention away from her.

"Ah, Enma-sama." Hōzuki said with a straight face, releasing her as he turned to face the Great King. "Before I leave, there are a few things we need to go over…"

'That oni…' Naomi thought darkly, massaging her sore shoulder as a bead of sweat slid down the side of her face. 'May you have to walk across a desert of legos! Barefoot!' she silently cursed her overbearing boss with a scowl.

Later that day, Naomi was checking off the places she had already finished inspecting. It was a little nerve-wracking doing it on her own, but most of the minions knew who she was by now after seeing her accompany Hōzuki on his rounds. She was going to be just fine, even without that stupid dog collar!

"Let's see… Fukisho, check… the blood lake, check… All that's left for today is Shugou hell. She said with a sigh. If she remembered correctly, then the chief assistant in charge of this area was a lady by the name of Okō-san… With a brief stop to get directions (she had only been there once or twice), Naomi made her way to Shugou hell. At a glance, everything appeared to be in order around the geisha quarter and red light district… but she was really there to see the torture areas, so Naomi asked around for Okō-san and learned that she was supposed to be in the Place of Great Sufferings, the section where the particularly promiscuous sinners were punished. Passing through the great gates enclosing the torturing territories, Naomi followed the path until she reached a fork in the road, and stopped short.

'… Why is there a giant octopus?' she wondered dubiously, sweat-dropping. That was pretty random, wasn't it…? "I'll just pretend I didn't see that…" she decided, turning to go down the path to the Place of Great Sufferings. She'd have to ask Okō-san about it when she found her. "!" Naomi gasped, surprised when it suddenly reached out and wrapped one of its slimy tentacles around her right wrist. "What the—_!_?" she said, startled when two more tentacles shout out and wrapped themselves around her legs, lifting her into the air. "Kyaaaah!" she cried, trying to keep her kimono from falling down and exposing her underwear with her free hand. "Hey_!_! What's your… Eh… W-What are you doing_!_!_?_" she shouted in alarm, blushing furiously as two more tentacles began snaking their way down her thighs. 'No way_!_! Don't tell me this thing is trying to do _that!_!_?' _she screamed internally, turning blue with shock. **_"Oh, hell no!_****!"** she yelled aloud in English, immediately forsaking all attempts to preserve her modesty to pull her riding crop from her boot. _Sadist mode: on._ With lighting speed, using her full strength, Naomi cracked the crop at both tentacles on her thighs, and then targeted all the ones being used to restrain her. The octopus was so shocked that it immediately retracted them at once, dropping her like a sack of rotten potatoes. Naomi flipped and landed gracefully on the ground, taking up a defensive stance. But the octopus quickly recovered and started reaching for her again. Naomi grit her teeth and tightened her grip on the crop, getting ready to counter another attack, when the octopus suddenly froze. Puzzled, Naomi took a risk and moved her eyes to follow its gaze. Sitting there, on the ground between them, was the dog collar that Hōzuki had given her that morning.

"… Huh?" Naomi said, tilting her head slightly in confusion. 'How did that…?' she wondered, furrowing her brow as she thought back to how suspiciously close Hōzuki had gotten to her before. 'Don't tell me he did that so he could stick it on me somewhere…' she thought, sweat-dropping.

Yes, just as Naomi suspected, at that time, while gripping her shoulder, Hōzuki had tucked it into her obi, and it fell out when she did the flip. Which turned out to be very fortunate for Naomi, because the octopus now seemed to be hesitating to harm her.

"Ah! Naomi-san!" Okō-san called out, hurrying over to her through the strange smoke/mist. "I must apologize! Please forgive me for not coming to meet you sooner… I lost track of time, and…" she trailed off when she got close enough to see that Naomi was covered in marks from the octopus's suction cups, and that quite a few of the octopus's tentacles were red and swollen with pain from being whipped. "Oh dear… has something happened?" she asked, concerned. "You can't hurt this person. She's Hōzuki-sama's new secretary." She scolded the octopus before turning back to Naomi. "I am terribly sorry you had to go through that, Naomi-san, but this kid didn't mean any harm… You see, it's his job to keep the deceased from getting too close to the gates…"

'But I was heading in, not out…' Naomi thought, chagrined. "Ah, well… I guess I'll let it go this time." Naomi said rather charitably. "Since I also managed to get a few licks in… and he didn't get very far, so no serious damage was done."

"Oh, that's good~!" Okō said brightly, looking immensely relieved. "I heard you were a virgin, so I was worried you might have been seriously hurt…"

"Um… where exactly did you hear that?" Naomi asked, sweat-dropping. It was true, but how did _she_ know?

"Hōzuki-sama." Okō answered with an innocent smile. Naomi nearly snapped her riding crop in half.

'That sexually harassing bastard…_!_!' she shouted internally, blushing furiously, as multiple veins throbbed on her forehead. How the hell did he know that_!_? Was it in her file? That was just too much!

"Oh my, please don't be mad at him. Hōzuki-sama only told me a little bit about your background because he wanted to ask me to help you out while you're still adjusting to life in Hell~" Okō explained quickly, ending with a friendly smile. "He noticed you didn't seem to have any female friends that you could talk to, so he said it would be good if we could get to know each other."

"… I see…" Naomi said, losing some of her steam. She was surprised to hear that Hōzuki would go through the trouble to do something so genuinely nice for her… though it sounded like he might have told Okō-san _too_ much. But Okō-san didn't seem like the type to spread malicious gossip. Naomi had only met her a handful of times, but the sexy and sophisticated female oni was always very kind and polite to those around her. "Well, um… thank you." Naomi said, suddenly feeling a bit shy. "I think… I would like that." There were just some things you couldn't talk to guys about, and the only other female she really knew was Cookie-san, but she was a dog, so… it just wasn't the same. Okō smiled gently at the blushing girl.

"Oh?" the oni said, suddenly noticing something on the ground. "This is…?" she asked curiously, picking up the dog collar.

"Ah, that…" Naomi said, sweat-dropping as her smile fell. "Um… actually, it's kind of embarrassing, but…" she said with a heavy sigh, and went on to explain its significance and how it came to be on the ground.

"My, my…" Okō said once she had heard the whole story, up to where she had come in. "Hōzuki-sama really seems to like teasing you, doesn't he? But you know, Naomi-san… even if it's embarrassing, I think it might be better for you to wear it. If you had had it on when you came in here, then our octopus-kun wouldn't have attacked you like that." She advised Naomi gently with a smile, holding the collar out for her to take it back.

"…" Naomi furrowed her brow as she stared at the collar with a small frown on her face, but given how dangerously close she had just come to being tentacle-raped, she decided that Okō-san was probably right. With a heavy sigh of defeat, Naomi grudgingly accepted her advice and put the collar on.

Everything went smoothly from then on, and there were no more incidents. And then, four days later, Hōzuki returned. Naomi welcomed him back with Enma and Shiro, and began going over the results of the inspections with him.

"… What?" Naomi asked a little defiantly when he just stood there and stared at her, zeroing in on the collar around her neck. He was staring so intensely… was he trying to pick a fight with her?

"Nothing…" Hōzuki replied calmly. "I just wasn't expecting to see you wearing it so soon after the fuss you kicked up." Naomi flinched in shock upon realizing she had forgotten to take it off.

"I'm not wearing it because I want to!" she said defensively with a hint of blush on her cheeks, embarrassed. "I was just wearing it out of necessity, but now that you're back…" she reached up to remove the collar.

"No, it's still necessary." Hōzuki said firmly, stopping her. "I can't babysit you forever. From now on, you're going to be running errands on your own a lot more often. Making you handle everything on your own for these past four days was my way of shoving you off the cliff."

"Shouldn't it be 'pushing you out of the nest'?" Naomi asked, sweat-dropping.

"A lion pushes its cub off the cliff to make it stronger." Hōzuki stated seriously, clenching his fist. "And when it climbs back up… it pushes it down again!"

"No it doesn't_!_!" Naomi snapped, flinching in shock. "That's just a myth! Do that, and all you'll get is a dead cub!"

"It's okay, I believe in you." Hōzuki said with a straight face, giving her a thumbs up.

"It's not okay! And you're obviously enjoying toying with me!" she retorted with a vein throbbing on her forehead.

"By the way, I got some good souvenirs…" Hōzuki said, reaching into his bag to retrieve it.

"Don't try to change the…" Naomi's argument died in her throat, and her eyes widened in surprise when she saw the adorable little stuffed koala that he had bought for her. 'So… So cute_!_!' she thought, blushing.

"For you." Hōzuki said, placing it in her hands.

"Eh? Really_!_?" she asked excitedly, lighting up like a Christmas tree. "Wow, thank you~! You really can be nice sometimes!" she exclaimed.

"You want me to take it back?" Hōzuki deadpanned.

"No! I mean, Hōzuki-sama is _always_ nice!" Naomi quickly corrected herself, clutching the plushie protectively.

Hōzuki really did continue to send her out on her own. And so (to Hōzuki's disappointment), after a couple of days, Naomi transformed her dog collar into a stylish bracelet.

"Change it back." He ordered sternly, frowning slightly.

"No way!" Naomi retorted brightly with a brilliant-shit eating grin. If she had to wear the damn thing, it was going to be on her terms.

"Tch!" Hōzuki clicked his tongue in annoyance, scowling. It would seem her spine was still intact... If anything, she seemed to be getting cheekier.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Hakutaku**

* * *

"…" Hōzuki stood in Enma's court with his brow furrowed and dark circles under his eyes. His hair looked slightly unkempt.

"What's wrong Hōzuki-kun?" Enma asked, noticing the state he was in.

"I kinda stayed up all night yesterday…" Hōzuki said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, while Naomi wheeled over a cart of newly delivered scrolls with a cup of coffee balanced on top.

"Eh… Having a lack of sleep is bad for your complexion! You'll go bald." Enma said, watching as Hōzuki downed the cup of hot caffeinated liquid in one gulp.

"Go bald by yourself." Hōzuki retorted moodily, trading Naomi the empty cup for a scroll. She sweat-dropped and quietly took a step back, careful to keep herself outside the line of fire.

"I… I won't go bald." Enma said, as he flinched in shock, sweating nervously at the thought. He had meant it as a joke, but when Hōzuki said it, it sounded like a curse.

"Ah. I need to visit Shangri-La now." Hōzuki said as he read the scroll. "The medicine I ordered is done."

"Ahh, you're doing research on Sino-Japanese fusion medicine, aren't you? Thanks for the great work. Since it's medicine, you'll be meeting with Hakutaku-kun, right?" Enma asked. "That kid, he somewhat resembles you. In both looks and cheekiness."

"That, I've been told a lot, but it's a severe insult to me." Hōzuki stated sternly with a scowl on his handsome face.

"Ahh, it's always so refreshing to see fresh greenery and watch clear water running~" Naomi remarked with a serene smile on her face as she walked through Heaven with Hōzuki and Shiro and friends. It was so beautiful up there with all the flowers blooming in the gentle sunshine. Totally different from the stark, dark, and barren wastelands of Hell. She could really see why Shangri-La had been ranked one of the top one hundred best sceneries of this realm.

"Thanks for inviting me along, Hōzuki-sama!" Shiro said brightly. "I wonder how Momotaro is doing."

"Wow! As expected from a famous scenic spot!" Kakisuke exclaimed when they reached an overlook for a valley full of blossoming peach trees and fancy buildings with beautiful gardens.

"The buildings are so Chinese-styled!" Rurio remarked, perched on Hōzuki's shoulder.

"This place is on the border between Japan and China. As such, this is often the transaction spot for both parties." Hōzuki explained.

"Oh, that makes sense. Then, do they have a buffet with steamed buns?" Shiro asked.

"Oh, that sounds good! I've suddenly got a craving for beef lo-mein." Naomi said.

"… Why is an all-you-can-eat-buffet the first thing that comes to mind for you two when China is mentioned?" Hōzuki asked. "Well, at any rate… from here on out, you need to be on guard." He told Naomi. This was only her second visit to Heaven, so she hadn't met _that thing_ yet. He had left her to talk with Momotaro in the peach orchard when he placed his order for the medicine the last time they were here.

"Why, is there something dangerous up ahead?" Naomi asked, taken aback.

"Yes, especially for _you_." Hōzuki replied seriously.

"Ahh…" Momotaro sighed contentedly as he plucked another ripe peach from the tree to add to his harvest. "It's so wonderful to have found my raison d'etre… I wonder what I was thinking in the past… I must have been really full of myself…" he said with a blissful expression on his face as he looked up at the clear sky. "This feeling, it feels like I could become a handsome dude, too." Naomi-san had said that he was looking much better the last time she was here with Hōzuki-san. He wondered if that meant he might have a shot with her? "To think that I was always trying to pick a fight… What a trouble maker I was…" he mused walking back to the house on the sentou farm, which also functioned as a pharmacy, with a full basket. "Hakutaku-sama." He said, sliding open the door. "I have finished harvesting the sen—"

_ZOOM_—THUNK_!_!

At that very moment, Hakutaku, who had just been thrown by his latest victim with all her might, came flying out and crashed headfirst into poor Momotaro.

'It hurts_!_!_!_' Momotaro thought as his boss's skull collided with his face with enough force to knock him off his feet and send him tumbling backwards. Hakutaku landed flat on his face with his arms splayed out on the sides.

"… Argh, seriously…" Hakutaku groaned, looking up. Momotaro could now see that his boss had a red handprint on the side of his face, and his nose was bleeding. "They're scary, women…" he said while the girl who had just thrown him walked off in a huff.

"… You're posing like a shachihoko right now…" Momotaro told him, cradling his stinging face and bleeding nose. Hakutaku's legs were arched over like just like the legendary animal's carp tail.

"Oh! Sentou?" Hakutaku asked when he saw the basket of spilled peaches, straightening up. "You harvested them? Xie xie! Thank you."

"Your welcome… This is the eight time I've seen this scene since I came here…" Momotaro said, sweat-dropping.

"Wrong, strictly speaking that makes the ninth." Hakutaku corrected him, standing up and brushing himself off. Momotaro paled slightly in disgust. "Isn't it strange? Rabbits mate and release their sexual tensions all year round, and no one gets made at them, yet all the girls get mad at me. Aren't we both playboys~" Hakutaku said with a shrug.

"No, it's not strange at all." Momotaro retorted.

"Ah. Sorry about that." Hakutaku said, brushing some of the dirt off of him as well. "Are you injured?"

"Oh. I'm fine, thanks for worrying." Momotaro said humbly. Hakutaku stared at the leaf that he had just removed from Momotaro's head. It was from a Chinese lantern plant.

"Do you know what this leaf is?" he asked him.

"What is it? Ah! It's hōzuki?" Momotaro said, using the Japanese name.

"Bingo!" Hakutaku said with a smirk. "It's a _Physalis alkekengi,_ or hōzuki (oni/demon light). The English name is **Chinese lantern**. The kanji for 'oni' is the same as the character for 'ghost' in Chinese, thus it refers to the red paper lanterns carried by the dead. The roots are herbs, which can be used to make a diuretic or cough medicine. It's also poisonous, but not fatally. In the past, it was used by prostitutes to induce abortions, so this must not be eaten by pregnant women." He explained.

"Yes, it contains substances such as alkaloids and histone, so it could cause a miscarriage." Added a deep baritone voice.

"Yup, yup…" Hakutaku started to agree, freezing when he recognized it. His face paled and twisted into a frightening scowl. Blood started running from one of his nostrils as Hōzuki continued to speak.

"You should eat tons of it, so that all of your internal organs would be passed out." The oni said bluntly. Naomi smiled wryly and sweat-dropped.

"RUUUN_!_!_!_ THIS GUY IS VENOMOUS_!_!" Hakutaku shouted as he spun around to face him, whipping his hand out to point straight at Hōzuki. "Beans! Get the…" he started to yell at Momotaro, when his eyes landed on Naomi.

_ZING~_

The moment his eyes met hers, it was like Cupid's arrow had pierced straight through his heart.

"Huh…? Oh! Hōzuki-san. Naomi-san." Momotaro said, greeting them.

"Naomi-san, huh~? What a beauty!" Hakutaku exclaimed, suddenly launching himself at her without warning. Naomi flinched in surprise, and the next thing he knew, the sole of Naomi's boot was crashing down on him, smashing his face into the ground beneath her heel.

"By the way, Naomi-san is my new secretary." Hōzuki calmly introduced her to Hakutaku, while Momotaro paled and stared at the kindhearted(?) girl in shock. As expected of a professional dominatrix, her first instinct had been to squash the perverted beast like the insect he was. In 0.5 seconds flat, she had managed to fracture Hakutaku's thick skull, bruise his ego, and crush his heart with one blow.

"Sorry, but… It's my personal policy not to allow strange perverts to enter within more than two feet of my personal space." She informed Hakutaku with a radiant shit-eating grin, remaining professionally aloof. She was used to being approached by perverts because of her job, but her intuition told her this guy was dangerous… Plus, he gave off the same feeling as her ex, so she knew he was a womanizer right away, without Hōzuki having to say anything. But Hakutaku wasn't going down without a fight. He struggled to lift his head a little and managed to catch a glimpse up her kimono. He smirked evilly.

"Tutuanna's Par—"

"_Shut up!_?" Naomi snapped, blushing furiously, as she punted his head like a soccer ball to kick him away before he could finish revealing what kind of underwear she had on. 'I really need to start wearing leggings instead of knee-high stockings!' she thought, feeling super embarrassed. Well, at least it hadn't been 'shark week'…

'So it's the 'Paris' bra and panties set by Tutuanna today…' Hōzuki thought with a straight face, while Momotaro blushed. There had been a recent article featuring that brand in a men's magazine for some reason (though Hakutaku recognized it for a different reason)… So they new it was a cute and sexy set in pastel pink with pale stripes overlaid with a Parisian-themed pattern in chocolate-brown and medium pink with some tasteful lace bordering, small ruffles, and tiny chocolate-brown bows on the panties' hips and the center of the bra.

"Ah… It hurts… but I saw something really nice…" Hakutaku groaned in pain, twitching. Momotaro sweat-dropped. He definitely deserved that one.

"Momotaro! I came to play! Woof! Woof!" Shiro said excitedly, breaking the tension by running over to his friend with the monkey and pheasant.

"Oh~ Shiro! Kakisuke! Rurio!" Momotaro said happily, surprised to see that the whole gang was there.

"How are you, Momotaro?" Kakisuke asked.

"I'm fine, I'm fine! How about you~ Haven't you put on weight?" Momotaro asked his furry friends with a smile.

"How's work?" Shiro asked.

"It's going great. I'm even learning about medicine. In today's world, you really need a fallback trade… solid qualifications and special skill-sets to survive a bad economy." Momotaro said with a very satisfied and enlightened expression on his face, clenching his fist.

"Tell me about it." Naomi said wryly. Your fortunes could change just as fast as the weather if you weren't careful.

"You've become so mature, Momotaro!" Shiro praised him.

"Hakutaku-sama, China's celestial beast, is teaching me the power of traditional Chinese medicine." Momotaro explained while Hakutaku picked himself up and brushed himself off again.

"Ni Hao~" Hakutaku greeted the animals with a smile and a wave.

"He's really amazing." Momotaro said. "I doubt there's any medicine he doesn't know."

"Whoa~" Shiro said, impressed.

"Ah." Naomi gasped, covering her mouth. "Then the person we came to see is…" she asked, glancing at Hōzuki.

"The one you just kicked." Hōzuki answered coolly with a straight face, causing her to flinch in shock.

"Eh? Oh no… how should I apologize…?" she asked nervously, wondering if she had just made an enemy out of someone important. Why didn't he stop her before it was too late_!_?

"There's no need." Hōzuki told her. "Rather, I felt like applauding… the way you ground his face into the dirt was beautiful." He said with a serious gleam in his eye.

"… Huh?" Naomi said, sweat-dropping, as she tilted her head to the side in confusion. So he wasn't mad at her? Did that mean… Wow, these two must _really_ not get along!

"I wonder when I will be able to develop a medicine under my own name." Momotaro said wistfully, blissfully unaware of their little side conversation.

"Momotaro brand millet dumplings?" Hakutaku suggested with a smile.

"You mean that futuristic tool that turns animals obedient?" Naomi asked with a wry smile, sweat-dropping again, as she remembered seeing a certain blue robot cat pull that out of his pocket before.

"Those already exist." Hōzuki stated, referencing the same episode of Doraemon. When an animal was fed one, they would instantly like whoever fed it to them. "Animals can be broken just fine without them." He added darkly, staring straight at Hakutaku.

"Hey you…" Hakutaku said sternly.

'Ah, as I thought… these two don't seem to like each other very much…' Naomi observed quietly. They mixed about as well as oil and water.

"Excuse me, but are you two related?" Momotaro asked rather abruptly, seeing the two of them together. He thought they looked a lot alike. Naomi stared at him in stunned silence. Why would he even ask that? Couldn't he sense the homicidal tension that was building up between those two!

"We are not." Hōzuki answered firmly without hesitation. "We are mere acquaintances. We're both researching oriental medicine."

"Yup, we just happen to interact with some of the same circles." Hakutaku added.

"But we try to avoid meeting in person…" said Hōzuki.

"What… Why?" Momotaro asked, sweat-dropping. He was starting to sense that this might not be the best topic.

"To put it simply, I absolutely despise this person." Hōzuki stated coldly with an icy expression on his face as he stared at Hakutaku.

_"__Yeah, I loathe you too."_ Hakutaku retorted darkly with a menacing glare and vein throbbing on his forward.

'As I thought…' Naomi mused, sweat-dropping.

"First off, I'm a lucky symbol." Said Hakutaku. "My credibility would plunge through the floor if I was related to this terrible demon of everlasting darkness."

"I see…" Momotaro said, sweat-dropping.

'But he thinks it's all right to be a pervert?' Naomi thought, chagrined. Though she had to admit that was a fairly accurate description of Hōzuki.

"Listen well, Momotaro-san. It's okay to trust this man's brain, but you must never trust what comes out of his mouth." Hōzuki said while pinching Hakutaku's face so hard that a vein popped on his hand.

"Hey bro, drink this up without any questions, yeah?" Hakutaku told him with multiple veins throbbing on his forehead, holding up a very suspicious looking vial of poison. Naomi and Momotaro sweat-dropped again.

"Come to think of it, where's the kintan I ordered?" Hōzuki asked abruptly, changing the subject.

"Ah, yes, yes. This is a genuine certified product." Hakutaku assured him.

'That phrasing sounds kind of suspicious…' Naomi thought.

"Are you implying that there are counterfeits too?" Hōzuki asked.

"Even the 'Travel Chinese Conversation Booklet' sold at the ¥100 shops has the phrase [Zhe shi zhen den ma?], meaning 'Is this real?' as an example." Hakutaku explained with a straight face.

"That must be a very important phrase." Hōzuki remarked, while Naomi sweat-dropped. The Chinese had really gained themselves a reputation for their knock-offs.

"Excuse me, but… what is a kintan?" Momotaro asked.

"Actually, I was wondering that as well…" Naomi admitted, glancing curiously at her boss.

"It's a Chinese wonder drug made for immortality, a sort of cure-all pill." Hōzuki explained.

"Immortality?" Naomi asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

"It's this." Hakutaku said, removing the round pill from his pocket to show them. It gleamed and sparkled in the sunlight.

"Wow… It looks like a jewel." Momotaro said, amazed.

'Actually… It reminds me of the marble one of my brothers almost choked on once when we were younger…' Naomi thought wryly.

"This is very valuable. If it wasn't for the sake of medical research, I would never allow this guy to get his hands on it." Hakutaku said vindictively with a sharp glance at Hōzuki. "W-What?" he said defensively, flinching, when the oni started stalking towards him. Without a word, Hōzuki promptly placed his hand on top of Hakutaku's.

"?" Naomi said, wondering what he was up to. Why was Hōzuki staring at their joined hands with such an intense look of concentration on his face?

"Huh… What? This feels disgusting…" Hakutaku said, sweat-dropping, as he started to feel a tugging sensation on the palm of his hand. What the hell?

_"__Balse!_!" Hōzuki bellowed in a deep voice with a frighteningly intimidating expression on his face as he suddenly squeezed Hakutaku's hand, applying an insane amount of pressure. Naomi flinched when she heard a horrible crunching sound.

'Laputa's spell of destruction_!_!_?' _she thought, paling in shock.

"GYAAAAAAA_!_! _My ha—! My haaaaaaaaaaaand!_!" Hakutaku screamed, going pale from shock and pain. "Uwooo_!_!" he cried, slapping Hōzuki's hand away while wrenching his injured hand from the oni's destructive grip. "What was that_!_? Something about 'annihilation' isn't it_!_!_? _You! Are you a Ghibli maniac_!_!_?"_ he yelled angrily.

"That movie is a classic!" Naomi said with a serious gleam in her eye.

"You too_!_!_?_" Hakutaku shouted incredulously. How did this bastard manage to get such a cute (but violent) secretary_!_? "Argh_!_! This is why I hate this guy_!_! He's inhuman!"

"I'm not human to begin with." Hōzuki deadpanned.

"My hands are meant for holding the soft and tender hands of a girl, not the rough hands of a man!" Hakutaku fumed while massaging his poor swollen and throbbing hand.

"You were ruthlessly thrown out by those soft and tender hands not too long ago…" Momotaro reminded him, sweat-dropping. Not to mention Naomi's kicks…

"Ah… You got dumped again?" Hōzuki asked.

"I did not, mon~!" Hakutaku said with a vein throbbing on his forehead, trying to sound cute. Hōzuki sighed.

"… Giving advice is useless, isn't it? You'll drop into Hell sooner or later." The oni told him.

"That aside, the kintan is 5,000 yuan." Hakutaku said with a sparkling shit-eating grin, clapping his hands. "Just 100,000 yen will do."

"Don't you dare raise the price on me." Hōzuki said with a scowl. Naomi sweat-dropped. Everyone knew the current conversion rate between currencies was only 12 yen to every 1 yuan. "Ah, and while I'm here, I would like some more Korean ginseng." Hōzuki added calmly.

"Oh, they're planted over there. I'll go get them." Hakutaku said, popping off to get it.

"Ah! Allow me to d—" Momotaro said, moving to help, when Hōzuki suddenly held his arm out to block him. "Eh?"

"It's fine. Let that thing get the ginseng." Hōzuki told him.

"No, but he's still my boss…" Momotaro said, sweat-dropping.

'I guess we've both got it tough… in various ways.' Naomi thought sympathetically.

"Hakutaku-san, I'll just say one thing." Said Hōzuki. "Even for divine celestial beasts, retribution will still fall upon you."

"It will not, mon~" said Hakutaku without bothering to look back. "You'll get it instead." He quipped with a smirk. He was surprised when the ground gave a little under his foot. "Ah…" He furrowed is brow and a bead of sweat slid down the side of his face as he wobbled and started sinking deeper. "UWAAAAA!" he cried in alarm when the hole suddenly widened, and he fell through completely.

"Whoa!" Naomi gasped in surprise. She didn't see that one coming.

"Hakutaku-sama_!_?" Momotaro cried, flinching in shock. They all watched as Hakutaku plunged down through the human realm, where another hole opened up beneath him, and Hakutaku's descent continued all the way through to Japanese Hell.

_"__Idiot Eggplaaaant…!"_ his screamed echoed back up through the hole in Heaven.

"He really did fall into Hell…" Naomi said, sweat-dropping.

"Yes. _People look like trash from up here!_!" Hōzuki said, shouting down at Hakutaku with a devious laugh.

_"__Shut up, you Ghibli maniac!_!" Hakutaku retorted angrily. "Ow, ow, ow, ouch… This hole wasn't here yesterday… How did this get here? It's scary…" Hakutaku complained while climbing back up to Heaven, trembling from the effort.

'How did he get up from there…?' Naomi wondered, sweat-dropping again.

'I guess that's a mythical beast for you…' Momotaro thought, also sweat-dropping.

"I stayed up all night and spent six hours digging that hole. You should be honored that you 'fell for it'." Hōzuki stated darkly, emitting an ominous aura as he pulled out a shovel.

"You! Are you part of the staff of London Hearts_!_!_?"_ Hakutaku shouted incredulously, flinching in shock. "Get back to work, idiot_!_!" Didn't he say he was extremely busy in chapter 1? He's totally fooling around_!_!

'That's what he was doing all night_!_?' Naomi thought, stunned. It was amazing that digging through the barriers between realms only took him that long… but he did it for such a petty reason… to think he would do all that just to punk someone.

"If you were mortal, you would have fallen into the Hell for sexual deviants long ago… Ahh, staying up all night was worth it." Hōzuki said menacingly, beating the shovel against the palm of his hand in a very threatening manner.

"Pay for the medicine and hurry up and get out of here!" Hakutaku shouted angrily with a vein throbbing on his forehead.

"For these two, who have similar personalities, their relationship is exceptionally bad…" Enma mused back in the halls of his court.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: How Did They Start Resenting Each Other?**

* * *

Once he finished reading it, Hōzuki stamped the document that been sent to him by Hakutaku via Momotaro.

"Here you go. Please pass this to Hakutaku-san." He said, handing it back to Momotaro with his seal of approval.

"Yes." Momotaro said politely, taking it. But instead of leaving, he stood there and stared at the oni for a moment. "…"

"?" Hōzuki said, wondering what he was staring at.

"Hōzuki-san, you and Hakutaku-san really do look alike." Momotaro remarked. "With long, thin eyes."

"Really?" Naomi said as she came to bring Hōzuki more scrolls. "Aside from the shape of their eyes, I think they're fairly different…"

"Well, they definitely have different personalities." Momotaro agreed. "Why, just this morning…" he said, starting a flashback.

_"Oh! You're a lady attendant of the Goddess Amaterasu? That's amazing, that's a position all girls wish to be in. And you're cute too." Hakutaku praised the pretty customer who had just come in to pick up a prescription._

_"Thank you very much." The girl said politely._

_"Are you free after this? By the way, I'm very free tonight." Hakutaku said slyly with a smirk, putting an arm around her. Momotaro sweat-dropped as the poor girl flinched in surprise._

_"No… Um, I have a boyfriend…" she said warily, quickly moving away._

_ "Ehh~ Is that so? What a shame. Tell me if you break up, all right?" Hakutaku said with a smile, sitting on the counter._

_"We won't break up…" The girl insisted defensively as the shop door slid open._

_"Oh, welcome~ Okō-chan!" Hakutaku said excitedly, immediately switching targets when he saw the sexy oni. _

"… Just like this, you can see that people who flirt with girls as easily as they breathe really do exist." He finished with a sigh.

_WHAM!_!

Momotaro and Naomi flinched in shock when Hōzuki suddenly slammed his fist against the thick stone pillar beside his desk, taking out a good chunk of it. Beads of nervous sweat slid down the sides of their faces. The oni was emitting such an intense murderous aura, that they didn't dare break the silence first.

"… Excuse me, don't take that to heart." Hōzuki said calmly after taking a moment to suppress his homicidal rage, gingerly touching the hand that he had used to hit the pillar.

'… Ah, that must have hurt a lot…' the two humans thought, sweat-dropping, as they exhaled the breaths they'd been holding. They could see that Hōzuki's injured hand was red and swollen, and Naomi suspected he might have even broken it.

"… Um, I'll go get some ice for that…?" Naomi ventured cautiously, poised to leave. Momotaro shot her a look of betrayal for attempting to leave him on his own with the oni after what they had just seen.

"It's fine." Hōzuki said stoically. "It'll heal in a moment."

"I shall explain!" Enma announced as he suddenly appeared.

"Eh… Enma-sama… G-Good afternoon…" Momotaro greeted the Great King nervously, snapping to attention.

"Good afternoon, you don't have to be so formal with me." Enma told him with a smile. "Hōzuki-kun will get mad when someone says that he and Hakutaku-kun look alike."

'But I said they didn't right after… was it a delayed reaction?' Naomi wondered, sweat-dropping.

"Eh… Ah, I'm sorry…" Momotaro apologized awkwardly.

"No, I should apologize too." Hōzuki replied politely. Momotaro couldn't have possibly known.

"Even though he has such high tolerance no matter what he faces, this is the one insult that he cannot handle calmly. Ha ha ha! That's why even I would use this topic sometimes as a counterattac—" Enma said with a grin, when something suddenly flew past his head with incredible speed, stabbing the wall behind him.

'… He embedded his ballpoint pen in marble…' Enma thought nervously, paling and trembling slightly in fear. If it had been just a few centimeters over…

'Wow…' Naomi thought as a bead of nervous sweat slid down the side of her face. So much damage for a simple flick of the wrist… How scary… "Why is that…?" she asked warily. "I'm not saying you look like him or anything, but you're both good-looking guys… and you're not exactly innocent either… I mean, you harass me all the time." Naomi reminded him with a frown.

"Unlike _that thing_, I respect women. You're the only one I do that sort of thing to." Hōzuki stated coolly.

"Then please show me some as well. I don't need that kind of special treatment." She retorted bluntly, chagrined.

"Um… Did something happen between the two of you?" Momotaro asked the oni nervously, sweat-dropping. "I mean, between Hōzuki-san and Hakutaku-sama…."

"Oh, yes… I believe it was around a thousand years ago…" Enma said thoughtfully, launching in to a flashback.

_In the past, there was a 'Japan-China Bonding Competition'… Well, it was something like the Olympics. Representing China's Milky White team was Hakutaku, who was dressed in an extravagant traditional Chinese costume. And representing Japan's Dark Red team was Hōzuki, who was wearing an elegant traditional Japanese costume in the style of the Heian era._

"Um, excuse me, but why aren't they called the Red and White teams instead…?" Momotaro asked. Normally the names wouldn't be so elaborate, right?

_Both of them were judges._

"Oh, as judges?" Momotaro asked, surprised.

"Not athletes?" Naomi asked.

"Yup, normally we would prefer that, but they have already surpassed what we call 'normal'…" Enma explained.

'I see…' Naomi thought wryly, eyeing the pen stuck in the wall. It could be said that Hell was dangerous because Hōzuki was in it.

"Hakutaku-kun may appear frivolous, but in China he's known as the 'greatest of all youkai'." Said Enma.

"Ehh_!_? I didn't know that…" Momotaro exclaimed, amazed.

"Youkai? I thought he was supposed to be a lucky celestial beast…" Naomi said, sweat-dropping.

"Yes, it's because he's the celestial beast of good luck that he's living in Heaven." Enma replied.

"If that's considered 'the greatest', the world must be ending." Hōzuki quipped with a frown.

"Japan's human realm sees Nurarihyon as the greatest here, so I don't think we're in any position to criticize them…" Enma said, sweat-dropping.

'That's true…' Naomi thought. From what her mother had told her, the elder Japanese youkai was essentially just an old man who entered houses without permission, fooled around leisurely, and then left at his own convenience.

"Ah, but moving on…" Enma said, continuing the flashback.

_Anyway, to ensure fairness, both countries sent a representative as a judge. Competition events included martial arts, and also battles of knowledge… to sorcery battles between the youkai._

"Oh, that sounds fun!" said Momotaro.

"I wish I could have seen that!" said Naomi.

_Hakutaku-kun and Hōzuki-kun were set to act as the overall judges for all the competition events. Though they'd met a couple of times previously, it was the first time they worked together for an extended period of time._

"But, in truth, during that event… there was a 'Hōzuki fan vs. Hakutaku fan' fever among the girls, rather than the athletes." Enma confessed.

"That's rather understandable." Momotaro said, sweat-dropping.

"Right. What did you think would happen, making their costumes so extravagant?" Naomi said dubiously. Even without attractive judges, those elaborate and beautiful outfits just screamed for attention.

"Yeah… Come to think of it, that might really be the case…" Enma said, sweat-dropping. They had just wanted to exhibit Japan's textiles, and then China began to flaunt theirs too…

_Oh, but back then both countries had sent out two renowned athletes… Everyone was enthralled by the intellectual battle between Zhuge Kong Ming (died 234 A.D.) from China vs. Shotoku Taishi (died 622 A.D.) from Japan._

"What was that? I want to see it too!" Momotaro exclaimed excitedly, flinching in shock.

'Who…?' Naomi wondered, feeling a bit awkward since she wasn't that familiar with all the background details of the history of Ancient China and Japan. She knew it was supposed to be Shotoku Taishi's picture printed on the ¥10,000 notes, but other than that…

_Midway through, strategist Jiang Zi Ya, who had been sitting in the VIP section, joined the battled._

_"I want to join in too! Geez, I can't contain my excitement!" the famous strategist said excitedly, climbing over the railing. Seeing that, Queen Himiko of the Yamatai kingdom also joined the fray._

_"I want to join too~" the shaman queen called out as she made her way to the arena. In the end, it turned into a massive free-for-all._

"A bunch of famous historical people jumping into the area sure is chaotic~" Enma reminisced with a smile.

"No matter what, I really want to take a photo of that scene." Momotaro said anxiously.

"No, the best scene was in the middle of the spectator stands." Said Enma.

_Yang Kwei-Fei and Ono no Komachi observing the battle seated side by side. Even the air around them was sparkling beautifully, and the atmosphere surrounding the two women was like a delicate garden bursting into bloom._

"What_!_? Awesome…" Momotaro exclaimed in amazement.

'Ah, there's a name I recognize…' Naomi thought. She had definitely heard of the famous Heian Era beauty Ono no Komachi before. She supposed the other woman must have an equally famous reputation for being beautiful, judging by how excited Momotaro looked.

"They're really gorgeous, aren't they_!_?" Momotaro asked eagerly, blushing and clenching his fists.

"Um… but these noble ladies of the past have the habit of hiding their faces behind their fans… firmly." Enma replied.

_"Is this the proper way to use the Japanese fan you gave me?" Yang Kwei-Fei asked Ono no Komachi, holding the open fan so that completely covered her face up to her eyebrows._

_"Yes, yes. Just like that." Komachi replied, doing the same._

"How did they watch the competition that way_!_?" Momotaro asked incredulously, while Naomi sweat-dropped. Could they even see anything like that?

"But the view of their backs was really gorgeous…" Enma said dreamily, blushing at the memory.

_Yang Kwei-Fei had a gracefully long and slender neck, and Ono no Komachi had elegantly long and silky black hair. _

_"Oh red fruit, as you grow tinged with black~ My flesh also ripens~ like a hōzuki in autumn~" Ono no Komachi sang beautifully._

"Ono no Komachi even composed a poem for Hōzuki-san… Why do the nobles of that era love composing poems for such small matters?" Momotaro mused, sweat-dropping.

"Um, sir… I know these are all really exceptional situations, but could you please skip to the part that explains what happened between Hōzuki-sama and Hakutaku-san?" Naomi asked politely with a wry smile.

"Ah, I'm sorry…" Enma apologized a bit sheepishly, sweat-dropping. They really had started to get a bit off topic… he had almost forgotten why they started this conversation in the first place.

_It was during the intermission…_

_As Enma entered the rest area, he happened to spot Hōzuki and Hakutaku sitting on one of the sofas that had been set out._

_Hakutaku-kun, who couldn't stand the silence suggested…_

_"… Wanna bet?" Hakutaku asked Hōzuki as a bead of sweat slid down the side of his face._

_"On what exactly?" asked Hōzuki._

_"On the next lady who exits from there." Hakutaku answered, pointing to opening of the hallway leading to the restrooms. "Let's bet if her bust size is above or below 2 shaku and 8 sun (about 85cm). _

_"That's quite some frivolous thoughts… you…" said Hōzuki. "Oh well, fine." He agreed._

_"I'll bet it's 'above'." Hakutaku said._

_"Then I'm betting 'below'." Hōzuki said._

_It was just meant to pass the time…_

_"Oh!" Hakutaku said excitedly when they saw the edge of a shadow person's shadow coming out._

_"No, first, we should determine if that's a female." Hōzuki said calmly, waiting for the shadow's owner to show his or herself. Unfortunately, that proved easier said than done. The person who stepped into view was a shockingly androgynous Japanese Oni wearing a staff armband. _

_'Which!_?' _Hakutaku and Hōzuki exclaimed internally, furrowing their brows in confusion. With his/her plump figure, short curly hair, questionable facial features, and gender-neutral choice of clothing it was really hard to tell whether the person they were looking at was supposed to be male or female._

_"Oba… no, should be ojii-san?" Hōzuki said._

_"… W-Who knows…" Hakutaku said, sweating nervously in his shock. To think such a person existed… "But, anyway… that's considered an 'above', isn't it!_?_ I win!"_

_"Wait a second, that young lady who just came out should be a 'below'?" said Hōzuki, pointing to a very graceful and slender girl wearing a Chinese dress. "If the previous person was a male, then it is my victory."_

_"No, I deny that assumption as long as there's a possibility of it having been a woman!" Hakutaku argued.  
"The most important matter is to eliminate all ambiguous possibilities to make a clear and precise decision. It is vital to base the decision on someone obvious. You are a judge, aren't you?" Hōzuki said disdainfully._

_"Hey, you have a really scathing way of saying things!" Hakutaku said angrily with a scowl. "Stop nagging so much… you Japanese." He said with a vein throbbing on his forehead._

_"You're the quibbling one, you Chinese." Hōzuki retorted coldly, furrowing his brow._

_"Hold on, hold on!" Enma said, deciding it might be time to intervene. "Don't fight during a bonding event!" he told them as he placed his hands on top of their heads, sweat-dropping. They were both trembling with rage. "Both of you two look so much alike to boot!" Enma said with a smile, causing them to flinch in shock. "Give me a smile! A smile!" With a vicious growl Hakutaku and Hōzuki whipped their heads around and fixed the Great King of Hell with dark and menacing glares as their hands shot out towards his chest._

"This was the injury I received." Enma said grimly, pulling open the top of his robes to show Momotaro and Naomi the scars from the stab wounds where their nails had pierced his chest.

'A question mark…?' Naomi thought as her eyes connected the dots, sweat-dropping. That must have really hurt.

'It's done so neatly…' Momotaro thought.

"They've always rubbed each other the wrong way… and the bet became the fuse that triggered the explosion…" Enma said solemnly, fixing his robes.

'What a pathetic detonator…' Momotaro and Naomi thought.

"No… I must have had a momentary lapse of judgment." Hōzuki said, holding a hand against his horned forehead. "To go along with that kind of bet…" Then he straightened up. "But I will not accept defeat, that was my victory." Hōzuki stated confidently.

"Just let it go…" Enma said, sweat-dropping.

"If it bothers you that much, then why don't you just reconfirm the matter?" Naomi suggested with a slight frown. More importantly, why couldn't they just agree to disagree like adults? They should have just done rock-paper-scissors to settle it, or something...

"Ah, that's right… wasn't that person wearing a 'Japanese staff' badge?" Momotaro said, getting what she was trying to say. "With that we should be able to locate them if we put in some effort…"

"Oh! Oh right!" Enma gasped in realization. "The name list is still around, although it's a little disrespectful to that person… but we should really settle this, so the two of you can bury the hatchet."

'If they bury a hatchet anywhere, it'll probably be in the other's head…' Naomi thought wryly, sweat-dropping. She doubted resolving one bet was going to fix everything, especially for such two twisted individuals…

After a few hours, the four of them had finally managed to hunt down and find the elusive subject of the infamous bet.

"Me?" The plump oni said, sweat-dropping. "I'm a transgender. Though I've yet to go under the knife."

"…" There was a moment of silence while they all stared at him/her. Then, Hōzuki quickly whipped out his cell phone and dialed Hakutaku's phone number with lightening speed.

_"If the body is male, the chest measurement should be treated as a guy's!_!" Hōzuki shouted fiercely into the phone with a terrifyingly serious expression on his face.

_"No! If the heart is a woman's, then I see her as a woman!_!" Hakutaku argued through the phone.

"Um, I think I'll be going now." Momotaro said, deciding he'd had enough.

'Lucky…' Naomi thought as she and Enma nodded and bid him farewell, wishing she had an excuse to escape too.

_"Very well! If you insist, go out with her!"_ Hōzuki retorted.

_"It has nothing to do with me!"_ Hakutaku yelled.

'Ah, so annoying…!' Naomi thought, pinching the bridge of her nose as vein throbbed on her forehead. They were starting to give her a serious headache… not to mention how rude it was to be having this argument while still in front of the actual person.

"That's it! Hōzuki-sama!" she shouted in order to get his attention.

"Ah! Nao-chan, that's—" Enma gasped, worried for her safety. But Naomi had had enough.

"Which is more important?" she asked seriously. "That you're right, or that Hakutaku-san is wrong?"

"I don't have to be right, so long as we can all agree that Hakutaku-san is definitely wrong!" Hōzuki responded firmly, dead serious.

"Why, you…_!_!" Hakutaku yelled incredulously.

"Right! Then, using whatever authority I have as a woman, I declare this nice oni to be a 'Hideyoshi'!" she shouted sternly into the phone, pulling Hōzuki's arm down so she could talk into it. "A Hideyoshi is a gender unto its own, so he/she can't be used for your bet. So you now have two choice's Hakutaku-san: either default to using the second girl you saw, in which case it will be Hōzuki-sama's victory; or accept the Hideyoshi ruling and void the bet entirely! You have to the count of three. If you refuse to answer in time, then you'll lose by default! Three… two..."

"Argh! _Void, dammit!_!" Hakutaku shouted anxiously, nearly ripping his hair out on the other end of the phone in frustration.

"Pleasure doing business with you." Naomi deadpanned, snapping the phone shut just as Hakutaku started to unleash a string of curses upon her. "How was that, Hōzuki-sama?"

'… Or at least that's what I'd like to do…' Naomi thought, chagrined. But sadly that last paragraph was only a daydream inside her head, and had not actually happened in reality.

_"Then date her, and prove it!_!" Hōzuki yelled into the phone, still fighting.

_"No way!"_ Hakutaku shouted back.

'But the truth is, I doubt it'd go that smoothly… I'd probably just end up stirring them up even more if I tried to intervene…' she decided, sweat-dropping. It would be so much safer not to get involved. She'd rather wrestle a hungry grizzly. "So… anyone else up for some okonomiyaki?" Naomi asked instead. "Maybe crack open a cold one while we're at it…" She could really use a beer right about now.

"Oh, that sounds good!" Enma said, glad to have an excuse to leave. Plus, for some reason, people always seemed too busy to have drink with him whenever he asked, so it was nice to be invited for a change.

"Well…" the plump Hideyoshi said tentatively, blushing, as she watched the handsome Hōzuki argue over her with the good-looking Hakutaku on the other end of the phone. "I'm trying to watch my figure, so…"

"Suit yourself." Naomi said with a shrug, quickly leaving with the Great King to get some dinner before Hōzuki noticed their attempt to escape.


End file.
